New Years Resolutions need something...

As we bring 2011 to a final close, most people are hopeful and excited about the possibilities the upcoming year will bring. We all at some level think about what we'll do differently. We ponder, even for a brief moment, our contribution to the world in the past year.


The hope of the new year can not be seen more clearly than at my part time job at Weight Watchers. I have been a receptionist for WW for almost a year. In 2010 I lost 25 lbs on the program and began working for them in Jan 2011.

This morning, as I was getting ready to work at WW, I realized that for the 2nd year in a row, I am not making a resolution to lose weight. I am at a healthy BMI and I don't need to lose. It is an exhilarating feeling to be able to say "I am not fat" and it be true!

When I got to work, I overheard a member in our meeting room talk about how ashamed she felt because she had "fallen off the wagon" and had a significant weight gain. She lamented about whether to come to the meeting because she knew she gained.

Her voice was cloaked in multiple layers of anger, shame, sadness, and despair. "It surprised me how quickly my old habits, came back when my circumstances threw me for a loop", she recapped.

As I leaned against the back wall of the room, tears came to my eyes. I remember felling the EXACT same way several times on my weight loss journey. There was a member in the room who lost 166lbs on WW and has kept it off 5 yrs and every Saturday she is faithfully at the meetings.

These women are the reason I work for hardly any money for the company; to help and be inspired by men and women like them. Often people look at me and assume because of my size I don't have an issue with weight. How wrong they are1 When I go to a meeting I know that everyone in that room is or has felt everything I every have about food, weight, and body image. 

I love my husband and he loves me but he has never had an improper relationship with food. He was an athlete most of his and has retained his thin frame up til now. There is a bond I share with the men and women in the meeting that is unlike anything else. I knew exactly how that lady felt and so did every single person in that room. She did a BRAVE thing by coming to the meeting to face her weight gain and to get back on track.

This is the power in accountability and support! Whenever you are trying to make a change, especially for the better, you need people who can cheer you on and tell you the truth. We lie to easily to ourselves. We let ourselves off the hook one time too many.

Our society doesn't like accountability. Let's be honest! We like to tell other they need to do but we mistakenly feel like we don't need someone telling us what to do. We don't want someone pointing out that we messed up or missed the mark. That is not healthy!

A lack of accountability is a breeding ground for lies, bondage, shame, and cover ups!

Accountability says, "I am going to ask you the tough questions about how you are really doing on that goal" and support says, "when you are struggling I will encourage you to keep going."

When I was a member trying to lose my weight, I HATED two things: getting on that scale each week and tracking what I ate. Those two things are the hallmark of the program. 

I hated it because it made me accountable...and to strangers no less. Ugh! I didn't want those people judging me based on some number on the scale and I didn't have to track everything I ate after all I am not completely out of control! That was an example of the ways we lie and justify why don't do what we are suppose to. I have to face the reality. The reality was my choices were determining my outcome and needed to make better choices. The truth is the scale, my tracker, my leader, and everyone else in that room was routing for me! They weren't against me. Accountability is our biggest cheer leader.

I don't say this to plug Weight Watchers this new year. I say this as an encouragement.

Whatever goals you are committing to do in 2012, I encourage you to include an accountability and support system. Take the time to prepare to make changes. Studies show that when you prepare for a change the change is more likely to stick and is more easily adapted into your routine.

I'll be posting soon about some changes I am making in 2012. Until then...


Wholeheartedly me,

Julia

Ode to "the girls"

You once looked up to the sun with a smile and fierceness.
You walked with your head held up.
It is didn't matter whether you sported an A or a Double D.
You knew who you were
But of late your countencance has been glum and sad.

Like a weeping willow tree you droop your head.
You seemed to have lost the luster you once had.
What happened?
A little one that needed your maternal goodness?
Perhaps the wisdom of your years have drained you
Maybe you met with ailment
Maybe you are perfectly fine but this imperfect world has warped your mind

Once perky and bright
Now frailer and light
Regardless of your apperance and why,
the work you do makes me thrive.
How you've nourished, how you've loved, and have been loved.

And I just had to write your this corny ode for my precious doves!

Christmas Follow Up

Christmas was four days off. What in the world were we going to have for Christmas dinner? Hmmm? Since we had turkey for Thanksgiving, maybe we could have ham. But wait! My husband doesn’t like ham. Hmmm. Maybe I can roast a chicken?!?!

Christmas comes around the same time every year and every year I am debating the same question. Then it hit me. I looked at my husband and said, “You know what I really want for Christmas dinner? I want my mom’s famous fried chicken.” His eyes lit up because he loves his mother in laws fried chicken too. My mom agreed to make it. My husband made his famous mashed potatoes. And I made a side of buttery broccoli. It was the best dinner!

Afterward my husband said “that was the best dinner. I am glad we didn’t try to be traditional for tradition sake."

This is just one example of how I learned to shape our holiday season around our family instead of trying to force our family into the preset “perfect” holiday.  Letting go of my expectations of finding a magical Christmas moment paved the way for a truly great time with my family. My oldest son and I made a ginger bread house. My husband read the story of Christmas tour kids in front of a glowing Christmas tree. My mom and I danced to the Motown Christmas CD while my sons and hubs looked at us like the sillies we were.

After my post on not letting wrong expectations ruin your christmas , I had a friend send me a long message about how she had struggled with unrealistic expectations. Her email poured forth how she was brave enough to let go of unrealistic expectations.

Her bravery surrounded her expectations as a 2^nd time mom. In summary, her first child, whom she loved dearly, was a fussy baby and she thought surely my second child won’t be that way. Well her second child was just as fussy if not more fussy than her first. She was embarrassed and wondering why she couldn’t have a kid who slept through the night or even didn’t cry for 20 out of the 24 hrs of the day.

She was brave enough to accept that it is foolishness to compare our experiences to others and by continuing to do so she would miss out on the sweet moments her second child brought her. I applaud her!

Unrealistic Expectations can RUIN your Christmas

There is nothing like watching a holiday movie to get you in the spirit of the holidays. Holiday movies appeal to us because they often have happy endings. The family is reunited in time for the big holiday dinner or the girl and boy discover they are right for each other afterall. These movies leaves us feeling as warm and comforted as the hot mugs of cocoa we drink while watching.


After all "its the most wonderful time of the year". At least it is suppose to be, right!?!? Don't worry! This post isn't going to be the metaphorical Scrooge to those of you who are enjoying your holiday season.

This post, like all of them, is about the lesson I learned while pretending to be happy during Christmas time. As a Christian, this is out biggest "witnessing" opportunity of the year. I believe in the biblical story of Christmas. While I don't know if Jesus was actually born in December, it doesn't matter to me. The savior of the world was born and that is why I celebrate Christmas. I am grateful for what his brith meant to my future and the future of mankind. So naturally this would be enough to bring me joy during the holidays. But alas...it wasn't. I can't tell you the guilt I felt being a Christian who was secretly sad on Christmas.

I learned the source of my sadness came from mismanaged expectations. Like the cheesy Christmas movies I loved to watch, I wanted just once in my year for all to be "be calm and bright"; to have that perfect Christmas. You know that one I'm talkin about. The one where snow blankets the lawn, cookies are homemade, and the family gets together and just gushes the love on each other.

My reality is that I rarely see my family during the holidays. In my adult life, I can count on two hands the number of Christmases I spent with my mother. It isn't that I have a strained relationship with my mom, not at all. She and I are very close. It's just circumstances have kept us apart. My friends don't host Christmas parties at their house. I don't work, so there is no office Christmas party to look forward too, or from what I've seen, NOT look forward to. I have never really had a Christmas traditions to look forward to.

So each time Christmas comes around, I hope, like the protagonist in my Christmas movies, that something magically or miraculous would happen this year. I anticipate that some joyous feeling would wash over me and instantly transplant me into the atmosphere of my Christmas movie.

I think...
"maybe this will be the year I can be with my extended family?"
" Maybe this year we'll play those board games."
"Maybe this year we'll bake cookies."
"Maybe this year we'll be invited to a friend's Christmas party.
"Maybe this year I can afford to buy all my friends presents.
"Maybe this year I will receive a gift that just blows my mind"
"Maybe this year I'll host a big christmas party and we can get all dressed up"
Every year, I had this list of how I wanted Christmas to go but it never went that way. And when Christmas finally did arrive, it was a let down. I mean come on....after all that build up...the sales...the lines...the shopping...the music...the plays....the christmas programs...and I got socks!

Unmet expectation can quickly turn into demands if they are consistent unmet.And unecessary demands will cause stress and yes even sadness. What started off as a simple wish; "wouldn't it be nice to bake cookies for the neighbors this year" can easily turn into "Gosh darn it, we are going to bake these dang cookies and be happy about it. Now shut up and stir!"


The BRAVE lesson was that I had to manage and reframe my expectations of this ONE day of the year.

Manage
Our family rarely gets together during the holidays so this year, I'll make Skype dates so I can see those I care about. I don't have to go into dept trying to prove to my family and friends how much they mean to me. I can reflect on the ways I have proven it thus far, and then think of new ways to prove it next year. I love hand written letters, nothing like a heartfelt note to say I love you.

Reframe
Instead of wanting Christmas to fit into a premade mold, I'll  look to mold myself into Christmas. I'll examine what is really important for me and my family and we'll wrap ourselves around that. Once I remake the mold, Christmas can be a stress free joyous occasion for us each year.

This year my mom will be with us for Christmas. YAY! We might spend our days in our pjs. We might not make a big hoiday meal. We might not get or give the best presents. But we'll mold this time of year to fit us, not the other way around. This might be the first time in a long time I will really genuinely enjoy this season. I hope you do too!

Wholeheartedly me,

Julia

Addicted to Self (Pt 2)

I know I've been quiet lately. I have been really searching these past few weeks.
I have been on this tug of war journey and couldn't figure out how to write about it. It began with the realization that I am addicted to self. I mean...REALLY addicted.  It is amazing some of the stuff that comes to the surface when you are up against a wall or thrown off your normal comfortable routine. Habits you thought were long gone suddenly become enticing again. Actions you know aren't productive are justified and then executed. November was a doozy!

I knew that this post series wouldn't warrant the same popularity as my other posts. That is OK. I asked how we could break free from self-addiction and I didn't get many responses. Thank you to the two people who attempted to help me sort this through. I agree that developing a deeper sense of who you are and accepting that we don't really have a right to a lot of the things we think we deserve. That is a great insight.

One reason for MY addiction, I discovered, is fear. Specifically, the fear that if I don't look out for myself, no one else will.

Thinking about some of the social systems of America. We can see this same fear, "if I don't look out for me, no one else will", plays out everywhere. At the core, unions exists from fear that their employers won't look out for their best interests. The law exists to keep us from infractioning others. Lawyers and judges exist to litigate and judge once some one violates another. We elect our public officials based on the fear that the "other guys" won't look out for my interest. We put money in retirement accounts and Social Security because we need to know that somebody will look out for us. There are plenty of other examples if we take the time to look at them.

It is natural to think if "you won't look out for me, them I'll have to". In some cases this idea makes sense and seems wise. But the issue with this line of thought is that it makes one gigantic assumption. It assumes that I, in my finite mental and physical capacity, am equipped to know, perceive, and exact what is best for me.

If I am honest with myself, I don't know what is the best for me sometimes. It reminds me a conversation I had with my husband early in our marriage. Like the good husband he is, he was trying to understand what I meant when I'd say, "I don't need you to fix this, I just need your support." So he'd spend lots of time and energy trying to show me support. After several tries attempts, with and without success, he asked me what support looks like. It made sense for him to ask this because I should know what I meant, right? Wrong! I had to admit that in many cases I wasn't sure what support looked like from him because each scenario was different. Sometimes support looked like him listening to me with undivided focus. Other times, it looked liked him diving into the issue with me to help me find a solution.

My point is this: Even in circumstance where I should have been the authority on what was best for me, I couldn't rise to the challenge. Even though I was asking for what I needed, I was incapable of describing what would be best in those times.
This is the reason I turn the scripture and rely on God. A lot of people take issue with my faith. They think religion is a crutch I use because I am not strong enough to rely on reason. Normally that would get me all riled up inside. I would think "I'll show them".  After all, I have to look out for myself, and protect my reputation. I can't go around letting people think of me as weak and foolish. I have an image to uphold.

But then I turn to the scriptures that says that the reason and rationales of man sees the things of God as foolishness. And that God tried to use human wisdom but it was rejected. (1 Corinthians 1). So He uses what seems foolish, unlikely, or even unappealing. Until I learned what God said about this, I would walk around dejected. Now I realize that those types of criticism aren't new and are even used by God to further His cause. What relief!

Answering why am I addicted to self, isn't the BRAVE lesson in all this. The lesson is that the only way I can break free from being obsessed with self is by reading the scriptures and aligning my actions and thoughts to match it.

More to come about my rediscovery of God's word...until then,

Wholeheartedly me,

Julia

"Go, this way, mommy!"

I'm riding in the car with my two young children in the back seat. When we come to a particular 4 way stop on our way home, recently my 3yr old yells from the back seat "Go this way" and points in the direction that takes us away from home. Naturally, I make the turn that takes us toward home because that is our destination. My three year old's response after I make the turn is to cry and yell "go this way" still pointing in the wrong direction. After a few minutes of heading in the right direction toward, my 3 yr old calms down and enjoys the ride home.

Here I am... much older, much wiser, more knowledgeable, able to do a multitude of things my 3yr old can not. Yet in this particular matter my 3yr old thinks he knows better than me.

Don't we approach God the same way sometimes?

In Genesis, the Bible says that God made heaven, earth, every animal, plant, insect, fish and even man. So naturally the maker of everything has keen knowledge on how things should operate. The bible also says that God knows the beginning and the end. So naturally, it would seem that we would all trust in a God that did all that to direct our lives, right?

Alas, it isn't so. Let's confess. Often times, we are just like my 3yr old when it comes to letting God guide us. We insist that our limited life experience makes us better judges of what we should and should not do. Of where we should and should not go. Of what we can or can not participate in. In fact, we like telling God what we think is the right course of action...insisting that He comply to our request. When He doesn't, we throw a "fit". We accuse God of being harsh, intolerant, uncaring, and even nonexistent. 

I have often tried to explain to my 3yr old why we turn left at this particular stop sign but to no avail. Crying and protesting still ensues. Then I think, "why don't you just trust that I'll get us to our destination safely."

I admit after pondering this, I had to repent (that's just a fancy word that means to feel sorry enough for my actions that I change my coarse going forward) for not trusting God. I act just like my 3yr old  often times.

"I want to go this way, God."
"No, you made the wrong choice God." 
"No, God I don't want that."
"Excuse me, God, I know what is best for my life."

I think one reason people have issues with Christianity is that it is based on a intimate trust relationship with God. How do I get to know God? Who says the bible's way of getting to know God is the only way? Does Jesus really play a big part in getting to know God? What if I am not sure? Am I eternally damned because I have questions? Is the Bible really accurate? All of these are good questions that deserve to be researched and answered. Relax, I won't attempt to do that for you :)

We pose all these questions because we need assurance before we decide to trust. Think about it. There has to be proof that one is trustworthy before we decide to take a chance and entrust them with our trust.

If you were looking for a babysitter, you'd gather intel from people you know and trust about the sitter. But just because the sitter comes highly recommended doesn't mean you automatically trust them. You then put them through a set of mini tests so that the sitter can prove themself trustworthy to you personally. If they pass, great you continue ot build on that trust. If they don't pass, they are dismissed.

Don't we put God through the same pace? We might decide to give "the God thing" a try. We say ok God, what you going to do for me in this situation. If we like the outcome, we say cool, and keep going. If we don't like the outcome, we say "the God thing" didn't work for me and move on.

I don't profess to have all the answers. I admit there is a lot I don't know and even more that I can't explain. I recognize that extending trust is one of the most valuable characteristics we have to give and receive. But once, trust is established, even if there is a let down, trust can be rebuilt. As a follwer of Christ, I have felt like God has let me down at times. But I remember that a trusting relationship isn't always built on things going my way or turning out the way I want. If it were, that is manipulation and selfishness not trust.

Hopefully my 3yr old is learning that very same lesson. That I am trustworthy based on the entirety of our relationship, not just the outcome of a single situation.

Wholeheartedly me,

Julia

Psssst...guess what? You matter!

Thump-Thump....thump-thump....thump-thump!

That is my lame attempt to mimic the sound of a beating heart. I won't try to "onomatopoeia" the sound of a fetal heart beat on the heart rate monitor...which is still my favorite sound in the world!

I was in bed getting ready to fall asleep. I was thinking about all the dreams and goals I have for myself. I was getting bummed because it doesn't seem like I am any closer to any of them. Yet they are forever in my mind. Innocently, I cuddled up to "the hubs" and laid my head on his chest...thinking...wondering do I matter in this world. As I was pondering this question for the millionth time in my life, my mind went quiet and all I heard was my husbands heart beat.

Thump-thump....thump thump...thump-thump... 

Of course, I matter in this world. The problem we may face is trying to define the scope of our world. Somewhere along the line we began falsely believing that in order to "matter" we had to do or be something or someone "big". That we had to be famous, prosperous, or formally honored.

So this goes out to the overlooked. The underestimated, the insecure, the overachiever...you matter. Why? because you have a beating heart...which means you are alive!

I know there are so many people secretly wondering if their best is good enough. "Isn't there more to life than just...this?"  People in various stages of life, socioeconomic status, and education levels all wondering...do I matter? People who have nether access or means to a computer to even read this and be encouraged wondering; do I matter? People who by many societal definitions are successful; wondering do I matter?

Perhaps you changed poop all day today, or you closed the big deal you've been working on for months. Perhaps nothing particularly noteworthy happened in your day at all. That doesn't mean you don't matter. You matter to others and most importantly, you matter to God.

So the BRAVE moment for me wasn't realizing that I matter, but telling others that they do. I am putting an end to that question for myself and opening up to let you know that you matter to me and whole heck of a lot more people!

I have BIG, BRAVE dreams. I truly believe my life's mission is to help people have a better relationship, with God, themselves, and others.  Figuring out what that looks like is a challenge, I'll admit. In addition to my mission I have this creative side that is untapped...which is why I write, dance, and teach zumba. I also have this entrepreneurial side. I want to be in the position to employ people one day.

Sometimes I have so much in my head I think where do I start? Who is going to give me my big break? Who is going to chance on me, or back me? I was always looking for permission before attempting a venture.

Well bump that! I am going to take a chance on me. I am going to have to forge my open door.

I have always loved this quote from Marianne Williamson, made famous by Nelson Mandela

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Your playing small does not serve the world. Now let's get something straight here. When I see the words "playing small", it is not a reflection on the size, profitability, or "renown-ness" of your output. Focusing on size, flash, and money has landed too many of us in "woe-is-me-dom". We say I'll never be as big as... (fill in the blank) and don't even attempt to try something.

Do I want you to be a starving artist? Absolutely not. But just because you don't have a book deal shouldn't keep you from finishing your book. Don't be afraid to start small. Audition for that play or gig. Invite the supervisor to dinner. Eat on the good dishes. Sign up for the 5k. Ask her out on a date. Work on the business plan. Go back to school. You'll be surprised at how liberated you will feel. While I don't encourage reckless abandon of all responsibilities for the sake of your dreams, I do encourage focused, purposeful pursuit of them.

And while you are now thinking about pursuing them, consider your own heartbeat. When you think of that thing, goal, passion, desire, vision....notice your heartbeat. It skips when you think of it. It sings when you think of it. It pumps faster and faster and faster. It is your internal cheerleader saying, "Do it! Do it! Do it!"

Some of you may go on to become the next household name. Most of us, will not. Don't let that be the measuring stick of your success. Yes, it is scary but in the words of Joyce Meyer, "Do it afraid"! You will have set back, figure out how you'll stay motivated in the face of adversity. What is your plan to keep going? Maybe its reading the business section, magazine, tweets, or blog post before going to bed once a week to learn how to be a successful business owner of a business you don't yet have.

Take a step... and then another one, and another one, and another....and notice how your own heartbeat will be cheering you on saying "See, you matter!"

Let me know what steps you are going to take and I'll do the same!

Wholeheartedly me,

Julia

Addicted to Self

There is a strange addiction that is going unspoken in our country. It flies beneath the radar and no one is acknowledging it. It is destroying many people but there is no news story to cover it.

I am talking about addiction to self.

I had to address this addiction for its damaging effects on all of us. We live in a society, especially Americans, that is obsessed and dare I say addicted to self. Self addiction is the over obsessession, concern for, and conscious effort to please, satisify, indulge, and gratify our bodies and mental fantasies.

Self addiction causes us to forsake all other virtues and people and place our selves at the center of the universe. Suddenly, we all become the "sun" and everything revolves around us. Our conflicts in the world then come when someone or something dares to say, "It isn't about you".

Self addictions cause us to reject religions like Christianity that purport that the highest calling in life is NOT self actualization but to deny one's self and be more like Christ.

Self addiction causes us to think we can eat and consume anything that tastes good or makes me feel good regardless of the outcome. Thus the obesity epidemic, drug addiction, porn usage, sexually transmitted infections and diseases.

Self addiction causes us to relax standards of hard work, ethical behavior, and honesty for what instantly produces the result we want in the fastest possible way. Thus corruption, fraud, political posturing.

Self addiction cause us to be and remain financially illiterate and overly indebted. After all, having the iPad2 and 3D tv is more important that leaving a financial legacy or trust for our children.

Self addiction causes us to purposfully not see the hungry, hurting, and oppressed because it makes us realize how selfish we are. Thus we do good only at Thanksgiving or Christmas time to make up for 10 or 11 months of the year we focused on pleasing ourselves.

Self addiction causes us to encourage others to "be themselves", "stay that way", "don't change for anybody" and be proud even if that self is godless, destructive, two-faced, or greedy. Afterall if we don't tell other they have to change, no one will tell us we have to change.

Self addiction causes us to view the unborn, diasbled or challenged as disposable if their presence is a threat to our future, our comfort, or our pursuits.

I think the addiction to self is the biggest plight on our society today. I am fearful of the world my sons are growing up in. A world that tells them that being famous, chasing that paper, and get all you can are worthy goals to pursue. You don't have to work hard. Just do enough. You don't have to be the best. Just get by.

I realize the irony of my writing about self addiction because after all this blog is all about ME! I struggle with the penetrating ideologies of self addiction too. I am not above the influence looking down at ye mere mortals in a disapproving nod. No! I am a mere mortal, who is examining her world and questioning it. I encourage you to re-read Introducing to understand that there is a certain kind of me that I am aspiring to become. One that doesn't put self on a pedestal but dares to knock it off and see others.

In my blog philosophy, I try not to address a problem without attempting to offer solutions. I aim for bulleted points to help overcome the problems. But this issue is so deeply embedded, I am having a hard time trying to rise above it myself. So I will ask you, dear reader, assuming you agree with my observations...

How can we break free from self addiction? Leave a comment with your suggestions and I'll do a follow up post with your answers.

Wholeheartedly me,

Julia

Do you think I am fat?

"Do you think I am fat?"  " Does this make me look fat?"    "Is my butt too big?"

Raise your hand if you ever asked this question to someone. (WOW! Everyone's hand went up)

I have asked my husband those or very similiar questions throughout our 10yr relationship. He has alsways passed the test by answering correctly :)

Recently I asked my mom if she she thought I was fat. Without hesitation she said, yes! More surprised than dejected I replied,  "Oh, well thanks for being honest". And she said, "Yes, you are Pretty Hot And Tempting" (PHAT). We had a little chuckle over that but it got me to thinking.

Why do we ask questions like these? Especially when we already know the answers. Are we looking for validation? Are we looking to get a ego stroke? Are we waiting for someone to tell us the truth?

If you think about it, it is a pointless question to pose to others. You put them in a no win situation anyway. My husband rolls his eyes when I ask him. It just frustrates him because he doesn't "win" whichever way he answers. If she says yes you are fat, he is labeled insenstive. If he says no you aren't fat, he is labeled a flatterer and I won't believe him anyway.

I am pondering this now because since I have moved to our new city, I have gained about 5lbs. I can see it on my body. So maybe I thought if I asked others if they see and they say no, then maybe I am just being hard on myself. Maybe it is just my body image distortion showing up.

After the latest exchange with my mom, I decided not to ask that question anymore. Nothing good comes from it. If I am overweight or gaining weight, then I will do something about it. But here is the BRAVE lesson in this.

I will not let 5lbs or the size of my thighs or my arm flab or belly roll dictate my opinion of myself.

I am convinced now more than ever that our opinions of ourselves must to rooted in characteristics that are eternal and not temporal. Proverbs 31:30 says that beauty is fleeting, but a woman (or man) who fears God is to be praised. That passage lets me know that is more important for us to strive to improve our character and legacy. Being a person of truth, integrity,and hard work is more rare now than being good looking.

Does this mean we shouldn't take care of our bodies? Of course not. I have found that my biggest character growth has come while trying to care for this body. When you are trying to eat right, excercise, or lose weight, your inner character flaws and shortcomings show up right away. They tell to quit. They tell you to start tomorrow. They tell you, you've done enough for the day. Just watch The Biggest Loser to see this. The contestants uncover the charcter issues that led to their weight gains in the first place. And part of becoming stronger physically is becoming stronger mentally.

So long mind games! I don't need to ask if I am fat ever again.

I know the answer to that question...and more importantly I know that I am developing:

                                          

                                               patience

kindness

                                              love

                             joyfulness

                                selflessness

humility

                                                                                  strength

                                                         self controll

These are gonna last a lot longer than my pant size!

Wholeheartedly me,

Julia

Quiet

You escape me in this day and age of rush and hurry

wind and fury.

Yet I can not stop my pursuit of you.

You are a conducive agent.

I see that now.

Having you means more.

it means clarity and focus.

it means effortless. it means time and opportunity

it means planning and rest.

Relief.

I sit. I close my eyes. You embrace me, entice me, and ignite me.

Now my friend, I notice you are two faced.

There is a difference in you in the morning and at night

you are truly different.

In the morning you are full of anticipation and eagerness. You are planned and focused.

In the evening, you are calm, serene.

Truth be told I like you better at night. But I need your morning offering too

You demand nothing from me.

I can just BE.

Thank you for finding your way through the brambles, through the mire, through the never ending maze of my modern life.

But you didn't come alone...you brought sanity with you.



Black people don't do that: Getting professional therapy

In an early episode of Mad Men, January Jones' character decides to go see a psychiatrist. Someone in the episode said getting "psychoanalyzed" is the "in" thing to do.

...for rich white people maybe.

Black people don't get professional help with emotional or pychological problems. We pray, "church" it away, talk it away, or just ignore it altogether.

To this day, it is still a stigma in the black community to seek a counselor, shrink, psychologist or any type of professional therapist. But why? A couple things come to my mind

1. Money: Therapy costs money and if faced with dropping $100 an hour to shrink or getting groceries, therapy hasn't a fighting chance. There are some socioeconomic issues that are really there. But many jobs offer employee mental health benefits; some for free.

2. Pride: Black people have a reputation to uphold as strong and self sufficient. Perhaps because of the history of blacks in this country, some feel that we don't have the luxury of appearing weak. This is especially for the black men out there. Please believe that seeking help is wisdom not weakness. There are some things you just can't do alone.

3. Cover up: We all know that something "ain't right" with pookie, man-man, uncle Joe, or Aunt Dee but we adapt to fit that. We wrap around and structure our lives to minimize the abnormality as much as we can. We cover or in some cases enable behaviors out of loyalty or even love. By covering up, you could hurting them or yourself more than you ever intended.

You can imagine my distress when I was hospitalized twice for an "unknown" medical condition. You can imagine my surprise when medical professional suggested I see a counselor because I was diagnosed with stress!

I have never heard of a such a diagnosis. I felt like a failure because I "needed" to go see a counselor. What was wrong with me? I was ashamed.

I feared that people would think I was crazy. What was wrong with me that I had difficulty handling the everyday of life? Millions of moms in the world can handle being a mom without going to the shrink, why can't I? Of course, I never spoke to millions of mom. Fear is illogical. 

I can still hear my grandmother saying we don't air our dirty laundry. She heard her form her parents and so on and so on. So I understand that it is generational.

But here is my thing: If we don't air the dirty laundry, it won't ever get cleaned!

Airing the dirty laundry to cousin Tee Tee ain't gonna cut it. Well meaning friends and family who love you dearly can unintentionally keep you in bondage. They lack the skills, knowledge, or resources to help you rise above where you are. They only know what they know and if you are facing a situation that is bigger than you and them, you need help from someone with great knowledge, skills, and resources.

Am I saying that seeking professional help is the end all. NO! But I am saying it is worthy considering and a lot cheaper than medical bills, divorce, addiction, abuse, and funeral expenses!

Be brave enough to break the silence. Seek professional help and the situation doesn't have to be dire before you start. My counselor helped me identify what I was fighting and then gave me some strategies to help fight it.

I am not ashamed about my journey or my counseling. Find a professional you'd be comfortable with. I wanted a female Christian counselor. Having a counselor who understood my faith and worldview made it easier for me to dive deep. It was important that my counselor hold the same beliefs so as we identified roots, we could pray for God's wisdom on how to uproot them and not replant bad seed. I couldn't do that on my own. My loving wonderful husband and great supportive friends couldn't help me there. It was a grueling 4 months of my life but I am reaping the rewards of that hard work now.

The next time someone says, "You need help"....seriously consider...."do I?"

Wholeheartedly me,

Julia 

First Impression

I had a meeting with a new contact today. I never met this person before and while I wasn't nervous about my objective for the meeting or the subject matter, one thing keep eating away at my confidence.

My impression.

We all know 1st impressions go a long way. We size up and are sized up with 15 seconds of meeting someone new. Though 1st impressions aren't always accurate, they are impactful. They help us categorize our world. They determine how we will interact with people going forward. They contribute to the image we hold.

Let's face it. An impression is a underlying feeling or opinion we have about a person. We don't know why we like or dislike someone new. We just do. And that impression is a building block. 

So this was on my mind before my meeting. What impression will this person have of me?

Truth be told, I was in complete conflict. I was trapped in this internal conflict between forcing an impression and yielding an impression. When we force an impression, you put on the right clothes, rehearse the right small talk opener, plan the exact spots to name drop or highlight how great you are. All in an attempt to force others into having the impression you want them to have. When you yield an impression, you commit being authentic. You let go trying to influence their thinking in ways that aren't yours to influence. 

If you have a job interview, influence them with your punctuality, manners,skills, training, and record of success. If you are making new friends, influence them with your sense of humor, caring nature, and knack for having a good time.

I've learned one thing about impressions. They are outside of my ability to control. I can't force a favorable one. I can't control what someone thinks of me and trying to is a complete waste of time.

Though I wrestled with it for a while, I finally decided to let it all go and be in the moment. Regardless of the outcome, I made a BRAVE choice...and that is an accomplishment.

Wholeheartedly me,

Julia

The Biggest Loser Inspiration: Honesty

Last night was the The Biggest Loser premiere. TBL is probably my favorite reality show because it gets at the very heart of being BRAVE enough to be yourself. The overweight contestants come to the show with the end goal of losing weight but in the process they find themselves.

One female contestant lost her father while on campus, went home, and came back more determined than ever to tackle her weight loss struggle for herself.

The thing I love about the show and its trainers is that they get to the heart of the issues of each contestant.

Hidden underneath all the fat tissue is doubt, self hatred, fear, shame, worthlessness, and a myriad of other issues. Both men and women are shedding tears and shedding layers of emotional baggage in an attempt to discover themselves.

I love watching how each contestant with each workout or with each challenge gains a little more bravery and little more confidence.

It would be nice if we could all get 16 weeks of distraction free time to focus on ourselves. But it doesn't have to take that.

It just takes a commitment to being the best we can be in this moment. One good decision spurs another. One good action spurs another, One good thought spurs another. With the right motivation, plan, and support, we can overcome the emotional setbacks we face each and everyday.

One male contestant admitted that people think he has a great self esteem because he is always chipper and happy but on the inside he thinks negatively about himself.

You don't have to be morbidly obese to relate to him or his story. We've all "faked" a smile in order to appear alright. I don't know about you but I am tired of faking. Now I am not going to walk around saying "woe is me" all the time either. What I am committed to do it is following the hallway of truth to the doors of freedom. (just channeled my inner Martin Luther King there :)

Honesty with yourself and others is where true change can begin. If we want to change, we have to look at the stuff we are uncomfortable with, the stuff we don't like, and the stuff we'd rather sweep under the rug.

Whether you are trying to lose weight, get a better financial outlook, start a business, or just be happy. Be brave enough to be honest. Get on the scale and see how much you weigh. Pull out all the bills and see how much you owe. Talk to close friends and family about your dating potential. Whatever it is, look at it. It will be hard to face but it will be worth it.

If we are brave enough to do it, then we'll all be the biggest losers of the unwanted road blocks that keep us from being the best we can be.

Wholeheartedly me,
Julia

Consider your compliments

What do you do when someone pays you a compliment?

Do you take that payment and put it in the emotional bank? Or do you chuck it out the window as worthless, frivolous, or misdirected?

I went to a math and science intensive college prep high school. In my senior year of high school I was taking Calculus II. I also took AP Biology. But I never got over the fact that I didn't take AP English.

I liked my English classes a lot. I liked being creative, fun, and analytical in my writing. I ended up going to a very writing intensive college. At Randolph-Macon Woman's College, you got a separate "writing grade" in every class you took. There was even a "writing lab": a peer tutorial center where you could get help writing.

I can remember people telling me I was a good writer. That my writing had a good tone to it and that is was enjoyable and even humorous to read. But I always got the same criticism. I was grammatically sloppy. No matter how many times I proofread a paper or sample, it was NEVER error free. For that reason my writing in high school and college never received the grades I wanted.

Despite all of that, people kept telling me I was a good writer. But I never believed them. A good writer was my Phi Beta Kappa college roommate Hope. A good writer was AP English taking and film critic friend Troy. They can and probably always will speak and write circles around me. They are good at what they do.

My lesson in being brave enough to me came in discovering: Someone will ALWAYS be better than you at something. We live in a diverse world of gifts and talents and there will always be someone who can execute a task better or more effectively than you can. Just because someone will always be better doesn't mean that you aren't good enough to try to pursue it. And this doesn't contradict my post on you being an Original. I may never write an award winning book. I may never figure out the proper use of colons and semicolons. I may never write a grammatically error free blog post (sorry!;)

But I will relish the joy I get from writing. I am so surprised at how much I look forward to writing and yes, editing the next post.

Pay attention to the compliments people are paying you. For so long, I dismissed compliments on my talents and abilities as niceties or courtesy. Take a minute and consider "What if I am..." good with numbers? A good cook? Good with kids? Good with my hands? Wise? Funny? Insightful? A good singer? Artist? Poet?

God gave you that interest and while a host of other people can enjoy and appreciate your talents, certainly He wants you to do the same. You may never win American Idol or do anything that will grab the newspaper headlines. OR you may be the next HGTV design Star or win Dancing With the Stars.

Let's not rob ourselves from doing something we love just because we don't think we are as good as the next person. Don't be fooled into thinking I have got this lesson in the bag. I still struggle with it, but the more I write about....the more the seed develops and takes root in my heart.

And that is enough to keep me writing!

Wholeheartedly me,
Julia

Original

Do you have a love/hate relationship with those who "seem" to have it all?

You admire that "they" can get so much done in 24hrs and yet the fact that they can and you can't gets on your last nerve?

What are they on? What are they taking? What miraculous source of never-ending energy are they tapped into because I want some? LOL!!

One reason being yourself is so brave is because it is a hard thing to do. It is easy to try to be tailor your life to mimick anothers. There is no challenge or creativity in that. Being a copy cat is easy.

Being an orginal is much harder.

The hardest part about being an original is that there is no blueprint or road map for you to do it. You are a trailblazer. A pioneer. The first exlporer in the new and beautiful land that is ...you!

Discovering your interests and passions in life; what you believe in; why you believe it; living what you believe takes a lifetime of practice. Knowing what you like and being alright with liking takes courage.

I used to hide the fact that I didn't like chocolate. It has never given me the thrill or elation that it has brought to the world over. In fact, I secretly longed for a chocolate chip cookie recipe that had NO chocolate chips at all. That would be divine!

I got many a strange look when I admitted it especially from other women. Some of you are gasping this very moment! It may seeem like a small insignificant admission to you. But to me, accepting this simple fact about me broke me free from pretending. Now that I don't hide "my secret" anymore I can truly enjoy the enjoyment my chocoholic friends (...and husband I might add) get from a rich decadent piece of chocolate. I don't have to pretent to enjoy it with them. I don't have to inwardly hate them because they didn't appreciate my view...a view I never verbalized to them.

Being myself, in a small thing like that, didn't end the world. It didn't end any relationship. It just ended the fear that I wouldn't be accepted.

A biblical parable advises that if we are faithful over little things, God knows we will be faithful over bigger things. The truth about chocolate in my life is a little thing that I am hoping will be the stepping stone to bigger things.

My mom and I have this playful expression we use to convey how challenging it sometimes is being in relationship with each other. One of us would jokingly gripe, "It's difficult being me." And the other would respond, "Yeah, but nobody does it better."

Ain't that the truth?!?!

Nobody does me...better than me! I am the world's best at being me. No one can do me better!
No one can do YOU better than you!

You are never going to succeed at being the best you while trying to mimick someone else. If God intended that for us, He wouldn't have given each us a unique set of fingerprints. Not replicated in any one of the over 6 billion people in the world.

If God made me an original, then I say let's get busy being original!

Wholeheartedly me,

Julia

Introducing....

"...I've got a couple dents in my fender.

Got a couple rips in my jeans.

I try to put the pieces together but perfection is my enemy.

On my own I am so clumsy but on Your shoulders I can see....I am free to be ME!"


~Francessa Batistelli


I grew up wishing I was anybody but me. I thought everyone else in the world had admirable qualities except me. I wanted to be my grandmother because she was spiritual. I wanted to be my mom because she was assertive. I wanted to be my cousins because they could dance and were popular in school. I wanted to be my friends because they could sing and were athletic.

I could see the wonderful qualities in everyone except me!



I was just average. Nothing special. All I saw in myself were the things I needed to work on. I thought my body was shaped funny. My ankles too big; my boobs too small; my hair to thick; my voice too soft;...etc.

I always had a heart for God and wanted to do things for him but I didn't think I would qualify to be used by God because I never "really went through anything". I was basically a good person so I thought I would go to heaven. I wasn't like Saul who persecuted Christians before God turned his heart. My testimony wasn't "shout worthy". Meaning I didn't have a miraculous story about how I became a christian. I wasn't drunk or high or a prostitute.


I wanted more God in my life and without getting to deep in theology, God had a specific process for me to be closer to him. So one day I decided that I would believe that God so loved the world that he sent his only son Jesus to die for our sins so that we can be reconciled back to Him. Through the life death and resurrection of Jesus, I began to see things differently. I discovered that I should be only be one person...and that is Julia.


But not just any Julia...the Julia who was in intimate relationship with God! She was THE best Julia I could be for myself and for others.


I know that everyone who reads this might not agree with Christianity and that is fine with me. But I can't separate my faith from who I am so it will be a regular theme in all my posts. Just like being a black woman and a mother and a friend and a wife will be elements in my posts because they are all elements of who I am.

The difference is that in my adventures in being me...I have to sift through varies ideologies, philosophies, and thoughts about who I should be. I have concluded that I can't successfully navigate any of that without a sound foundation...and for me that foundation will always be Jesus.

So this blog will be about my adventures in trusting, believing, discovering, and just plain being me. I might be the only one who struggles with the topics I bring up, but maybe I am not. Hopefully it can insightful and funny for the readers.

It is a brave thing to really be yourself....and then post all about it on the Internet :) But I am up for the challenge.

Wholeheartedly me,

Julia

Black people don't do that: Being a black stay at home mom

Black women are known for several things. We are heralded as strong and committed to family against all odds. We are also known for attitudes, rolling eyes and necks. What black women aren't known for? Being stay at homes. When you think of the stay at home soccer mom, you probably envision a mid 30s white woman. Not a black woman.

Well surprise! There are lots of us out there. So much so that there is even an online non profit dedicated to support black moms. The focus of this post is about the struggles I have with two specific images of being a black woman and being a stay at home. Two images rise in particular.

Struggle 1. I'm not as strong. Strong Black women are most often single parents who have to struggle to overcome all the odds to be the best for themselves and their kids. Of course I am generalizing to make a point....but what if you aren't a single mom. Imagine if you will.... a black man and black woman who are married with a good relationship and have children who were conceived and born during their marriage. No baby momma drama. No dead beat daddy issue. Are we really that rare in this day and age??!?!

I believe we have rallied around the single parent home and blended family home in the black community because they were getting a bad rap. Well its time to rally around and support the traditional nuclear family in the black community. It does take strength to deal with custody issues, financial issues, medical issues and the like as a single mom. I also know it takes strength to maintain and keep a good relationship going while raise children with integrity in todays world.

Struggle 2: I am not as black as my single parent couterparts. Really? Is blackness now defined by dysfunction and general sense of lack. I am not going to apologize for the blessings in my life. I celebrate it. To my sisters who are putting in the work everyday without father support...God bless you. Just as I am not better than the single mom, neither is the single mom better than me either because I do it with a spouse. Yes I depend on my husband for financial support. This notion flies in the face of the independent black woman who only relies on herself for financial support. Guess what? I like having a husband whom I look after and who looks after me and my kids.

Being a stay at home mom who happens to be black is a growing demographic and we face the same struggles that all moms face regardless of race or working status. I just want to start a conversation so that no one is ashamed of their current station in life. We don't have to put others down to feel better about ourselves. We can embrace the diversity of life and develop a greater appreciation for people in general...at least that is what I strive to teach my kids.