Addicted to Self (Pt 2)

I know I've been quiet lately. I have been really searching these past few weeks.
I have been on this tug of war journey and couldn't figure out how to write about it. It began with the realization that I am addicted to self. I mean...REALLY addicted.  It is amazing some of the stuff that comes to the surface when you are up against a wall or thrown off your normal comfortable routine. Habits you thought were long gone suddenly become enticing again. Actions you know aren't productive are justified and then executed. November was a doozy!

I knew that this post series wouldn't warrant the same popularity as my other posts. That is OK. I asked how we could break free from self-addiction and I didn't get many responses. Thank you to the two people who attempted to help me sort this through. I agree that developing a deeper sense of who you are and accepting that we don't really have a right to a lot of the things we think we deserve. That is a great insight.

One reason for MY addiction, I discovered, is fear. Specifically, the fear that if I don't look out for myself, no one else will.

Thinking about some of the social systems of America. We can see this same fear, "if I don't look out for me, no one else will", plays out everywhere. At the core, unions exists from fear that their employers won't look out for their best interests. The law exists to keep us from infractioning others. Lawyers and judges exist to litigate and judge once some one violates another. We elect our public officials based on the fear that the "other guys" won't look out for my interest. We put money in retirement accounts and Social Security because we need to know that somebody will look out for us. There are plenty of other examples if we take the time to look at them.

It is natural to think if "you won't look out for me, them I'll have to". In some cases this idea makes sense and seems wise. But the issue with this line of thought is that it makes one gigantic assumption. It assumes that I, in my finite mental and physical capacity, am equipped to know, perceive, and exact what is best for me.

If I am honest with myself, I don't know what is the best for me sometimes. It reminds me a conversation I had with my husband early in our marriage. Like the good husband he is, he was trying to understand what I meant when I'd say, "I don't need you to fix this, I just need your support." So he'd spend lots of time and energy trying to show me support. After several tries attempts, with and without success, he asked me what support looks like. It made sense for him to ask this because I should know what I meant, right? Wrong! I had to admit that in many cases I wasn't sure what support looked like from him because each scenario was different. Sometimes support looked like him listening to me with undivided focus. Other times, it looked liked him diving into the issue with me to help me find a solution.

My point is this: Even in circumstance where I should have been the authority on what was best for me, I couldn't rise to the challenge. Even though I was asking for what I needed, I was incapable of describing what would be best in those times.
This is the reason I turn the scripture and rely on God. A lot of people take issue with my faith. They think religion is a crutch I use because I am not strong enough to rely on reason. Normally that would get me all riled up inside. I would think "I'll show them".  After all, I have to look out for myself, and protect my reputation. I can't go around letting people think of me as weak and foolish. I have an image to uphold.

But then I turn to the scriptures that says that the reason and rationales of man sees the things of God as foolishness. And that God tried to use human wisdom but it was rejected. (1 Corinthians 1). So He uses what seems foolish, unlikely, or even unappealing. Until I learned what God said about this, I would walk around dejected. Now I realize that those types of criticism aren't new and are even used by God to further His cause. What relief!

Answering why am I addicted to self, isn't the BRAVE lesson in all this. The lesson is that the only way I can break free from being obsessed with self is by reading the scriptures and aligning my actions and thoughts to match it.

More to come about my rediscovery of God's word...until then,

Wholeheartedly me,

Julia

"Go, this way, mommy!"

I'm riding in the car with my two young children in the back seat. When we come to a particular 4 way stop on our way home, recently my 3yr old yells from the back seat "Go this way" and points in the direction that takes us away from home. Naturally, I make the turn that takes us toward home because that is our destination. My three year old's response after I make the turn is to cry and yell "go this way" still pointing in the wrong direction. After a few minutes of heading in the right direction toward, my 3 yr old calms down and enjoys the ride home.

Here I am... much older, much wiser, more knowledgeable, able to do a multitude of things my 3yr old can not. Yet in this particular matter my 3yr old thinks he knows better than me.

Don't we approach God the same way sometimes?

In Genesis, the Bible says that God made heaven, earth, every animal, plant, insect, fish and even man. So naturally the maker of everything has keen knowledge on how things should operate. The bible also says that God knows the beginning and the end. So naturally, it would seem that we would all trust in a God that did all that to direct our lives, right?

Alas, it isn't so. Let's confess. Often times, we are just like my 3yr old when it comes to letting God guide us. We insist that our limited life experience makes us better judges of what we should and should not do. Of where we should and should not go. Of what we can or can not participate in. In fact, we like telling God what we think is the right course of action...insisting that He comply to our request. When He doesn't, we throw a "fit". We accuse God of being harsh, intolerant, uncaring, and even nonexistent. 

I have often tried to explain to my 3yr old why we turn left at this particular stop sign but to no avail. Crying and protesting still ensues. Then I think, "why don't you just trust that I'll get us to our destination safely."

I admit after pondering this, I had to repent (that's just a fancy word that means to feel sorry enough for my actions that I change my coarse going forward) for not trusting God. I act just like my 3yr old  often times.

"I want to go this way, God."
"No, you made the wrong choice God." 
"No, God I don't want that."
"Excuse me, God, I know what is best for my life."

I think one reason people have issues with Christianity is that it is based on a intimate trust relationship with God. How do I get to know God? Who says the bible's way of getting to know God is the only way? Does Jesus really play a big part in getting to know God? What if I am not sure? Am I eternally damned because I have questions? Is the Bible really accurate? All of these are good questions that deserve to be researched and answered. Relax, I won't attempt to do that for you :)

We pose all these questions because we need assurance before we decide to trust. Think about it. There has to be proof that one is trustworthy before we decide to take a chance and entrust them with our trust.

If you were looking for a babysitter, you'd gather intel from people you know and trust about the sitter. But just because the sitter comes highly recommended doesn't mean you automatically trust them. You then put them through a set of mini tests so that the sitter can prove themself trustworthy to you personally. If they pass, great you continue ot build on that trust. If they don't pass, they are dismissed.

Don't we put God through the same pace? We might decide to give "the God thing" a try. We say ok God, what you going to do for me in this situation. If we like the outcome, we say cool, and keep going. If we don't like the outcome, we say "the God thing" didn't work for me and move on.

I don't profess to have all the answers. I admit there is a lot I don't know and even more that I can't explain. I recognize that extending trust is one of the most valuable characteristics we have to give and receive. But once, trust is established, even if there is a let down, trust can be rebuilt. As a follwer of Christ, I have felt like God has let me down at times. But I remember that a trusting relationship isn't always built on things going my way or turning out the way I want. If it were, that is manipulation and selfishness not trust.

Hopefully my 3yr old is learning that very same lesson. That I am trustworthy based on the entirety of our relationship, not just the outcome of a single situation.

Wholeheartedly me,

Julia