Black people don't do that: Getting professional therapy

In an early episode of Mad Men, January Jones' character decides to go see a psychiatrist. Someone in the episode said getting "psychoanalyzed" is the "in" thing to do.

...for rich white people maybe.

Black people don't get professional help with emotional or pychological problems. We pray, "church" it away, talk it away, or just ignore it altogether.

To this day, it is still a stigma in the black community to seek a counselor, shrink, psychologist or any type of professional therapist. But why? A couple things come to my mind

1. Money: Therapy costs money and if faced with dropping $100 an hour to shrink or getting groceries, therapy hasn't a fighting chance. There are some socioeconomic issues that are really there. But many jobs offer employee mental health benefits; some for free.

2. Pride: Black people have a reputation to uphold as strong and self sufficient. Perhaps because of the history of blacks in this country, some feel that we don't have the luxury of appearing weak. This is especially for the black men out there. Please believe that seeking help is wisdom not weakness. There are some things you just can't do alone.

3. Cover up: We all know that something "ain't right" with pookie, man-man, uncle Joe, or Aunt Dee but we adapt to fit that. We wrap around and structure our lives to minimize the abnormality as much as we can. We cover or in some cases enable behaviors out of loyalty or even love. By covering up, you could hurting them or yourself more than you ever intended.

You can imagine my distress when I was hospitalized twice for an "unknown" medical condition. You can imagine my surprise when medical professional suggested I see a counselor because I was diagnosed with stress!

I have never heard of a such a diagnosis. I felt like a failure because I "needed" to go see a counselor. What was wrong with me? I was ashamed.

I feared that people would think I was crazy. What was wrong with me that I had difficulty handling the everyday of life? Millions of moms in the world can handle being a mom without going to the shrink, why can't I? Of course, I never spoke to millions of mom. Fear is illogical. 

I can still hear my grandmother saying we don't air our dirty laundry. She heard her form her parents and so on and so on. So I understand that it is generational.

But here is my thing: If we don't air the dirty laundry, it won't ever get cleaned!

Airing the dirty laundry to cousin Tee Tee ain't gonna cut it. Well meaning friends and family who love you dearly can unintentionally keep you in bondage. They lack the skills, knowledge, or resources to help you rise above where you are. They only know what they know and if you are facing a situation that is bigger than you and them, you need help from someone with great knowledge, skills, and resources.

Am I saying that seeking professional help is the end all. NO! But I am saying it is worthy considering and a lot cheaper than medical bills, divorce, addiction, abuse, and funeral expenses!

Be brave enough to break the silence. Seek professional help and the situation doesn't have to be dire before you start. My counselor helped me identify what I was fighting and then gave me some strategies to help fight it.

I am not ashamed about my journey or my counseling. Find a professional you'd be comfortable with. I wanted a female Christian counselor. Having a counselor who understood my faith and worldview made it easier for me to dive deep. It was important that my counselor hold the same beliefs so as we identified roots, we could pray for God's wisdom on how to uproot them and not replant bad seed. I couldn't do that on my own. My loving wonderful husband and great supportive friends couldn't help me there. It was a grueling 4 months of my life but I am reaping the rewards of that hard work now.

The next time someone says, "You need help"....seriously consider...."do I?"

Wholeheartedly me,

Julia 

First Impression

I had a meeting with a new contact today. I never met this person before and while I wasn't nervous about my objective for the meeting or the subject matter, one thing keep eating away at my confidence.

My impression.

We all know 1st impressions go a long way. We size up and are sized up with 15 seconds of meeting someone new. Though 1st impressions aren't always accurate, they are impactful. They help us categorize our world. They determine how we will interact with people going forward. They contribute to the image we hold.

Let's face it. An impression is a underlying feeling or opinion we have about a person. We don't know why we like or dislike someone new. We just do. And that impression is a building block. 

So this was on my mind before my meeting. What impression will this person have of me?

Truth be told, I was in complete conflict. I was trapped in this internal conflict between forcing an impression and yielding an impression. When we force an impression, you put on the right clothes, rehearse the right small talk opener, plan the exact spots to name drop or highlight how great you are. All in an attempt to force others into having the impression you want them to have. When you yield an impression, you commit being authentic. You let go trying to influence their thinking in ways that aren't yours to influence. 

If you have a job interview, influence them with your punctuality, manners,skills, training, and record of success. If you are making new friends, influence them with your sense of humor, caring nature, and knack for having a good time.

I've learned one thing about impressions. They are outside of my ability to control. I can't force a favorable one. I can't control what someone thinks of me and trying to is a complete waste of time.

Though I wrestled with it for a while, I finally decided to let it all go and be in the moment. Regardless of the outcome, I made a BRAVE choice...and that is an accomplishment.

Wholeheartedly me,

Julia

The Biggest Loser Inspiration: Honesty

Last night was the The Biggest Loser premiere. TBL is probably my favorite reality show because it gets at the very heart of being BRAVE enough to be yourself. The overweight contestants come to the show with the end goal of losing weight but in the process they find themselves.

One female contestant lost her father while on campus, went home, and came back more determined than ever to tackle her weight loss struggle for herself.

The thing I love about the show and its trainers is that they get to the heart of the issues of each contestant.

Hidden underneath all the fat tissue is doubt, self hatred, fear, shame, worthlessness, and a myriad of other issues. Both men and women are shedding tears and shedding layers of emotional baggage in an attempt to discover themselves.

I love watching how each contestant with each workout or with each challenge gains a little more bravery and little more confidence.

It would be nice if we could all get 16 weeks of distraction free time to focus on ourselves. But it doesn't have to take that.

It just takes a commitment to being the best we can be in this moment. One good decision spurs another. One good action spurs another, One good thought spurs another. With the right motivation, plan, and support, we can overcome the emotional setbacks we face each and everyday.

One male contestant admitted that people think he has a great self esteem because he is always chipper and happy but on the inside he thinks negatively about himself.

You don't have to be morbidly obese to relate to him or his story. We've all "faked" a smile in order to appear alright. I don't know about you but I am tired of faking. Now I am not going to walk around saying "woe is me" all the time either. What I am committed to do it is following the hallway of truth to the doors of freedom. (just channeled my inner Martin Luther King there :)

Honesty with yourself and others is where true change can begin. If we want to change, we have to look at the stuff we are uncomfortable with, the stuff we don't like, and the stuff we'd rather sweep under the rug.

Whether you are trying to lose weight, get a better financial outlook, start a business, or just be happy. Be brave enough to be honest. Get on the scale and see how much you weigh. Pull out all the bills and see how much you owe. Talk to close friends and family about your dating potential. Whatever it is, look at it. It will be hard to face but it will be worth it.

If we are brave enough to do it, then we'll all be the biggest losers of the unwanted road blocks that keep us from being the best we can be.

Wholeheartedly me,
Julia

Consider your compliments

What do you do when someone pays you a compliment?

Do you take that payment and put it in the emotional bank? Or do you chuck it out the window as worthless, frivolous, or misdirected?

I went to a math and science intensive college prep high school. In my senior year of high school I was taking Calculus II. I also took AP Biology. But I never got over the fact that I didn't take AP English.

I liked my English classes a lot. I liked being creative, fun, and analytical in my writing. I ended up going to a very writing intensive college. At Randolph-Macon Woman's College, you got a separate "writing grade" in every class you took. There was even a "writing lab": a peer tutorial center where you could get help writing.

I can remember people telling me I was a good writer. That my writing had a good tone to it and that is was enjoyable and even humorous to read. But I always got the same criticism. I was grammatically sloppy. No matter how many times I proofread a paper or sample, it was NEVER error free. For that reason my writing in high school and college never received the grades I wanted.

Despite all of that, people kept telling me I was a good writer. But I never believed them. A good writer was my Phi Beta Kappa college roommate Hope. A good writer was AP English taking and film critic friend Troy. They can and probably always will speak and write circles around me. They are good at what they do.

My lesson in being brave enough to me came in discovering: Someone will ALWAYS be better than you at something. We live in a diverse world of gifts and talents and there will always be someone who can execute a task better or more effectively than you can. Just because someone will always be better doesn't mean that you aren't good enough to try to pursue it. And this doesn't contradict my post on you being an Original. I may never write an award winning book. I may never figure out the proper use of colons and semicolons. I may never write a grammatically error free blog post (sorry!;)

But I will relish the joy I get from writing. I am so surprised at how much I look forward to writing and yes, editing the next post.

Pay attention to the compliments people are paying you. For so long, I dismissed compliments on my talents and abilities as niceties or courtesy. Take a minute and consider "What if I am..." good with numbers? A good cook? Good with kids? Good with my hands? Wise? Funny? Insightful? A good singer? Artist? Poet?

God gave you that interest and while a host of other people can enjoy and appreciate your talents, certainly He wants you to do the same. You may never win American Idol or do anything that will grab the newspaper headlines. OR you may be the next HGTV design Star or win Dancing With the Stars.

Let's not rob ourselves from doing something we love just because we don't think we are as good as the next person. Don't be fooled into thinking I have got this lesson in the bag. I still struggle with it, but the more I write about....the more the seed develops and takes root in my heart.

And that is enough to keep me writing!

Wholeheartedly me,
Julia

Original

Do you have a love/hate relationship with those who "seem" to have it all?

You admire that "they" can get so much done in 24hrs and yet the fact that they can and you can't gets on your last nerve?

What are they on? What are they taking? What miraculous source of never-ending energy are they tapped into because I want some? LOL!!

One reason being yourself is so brave is because it is a hard thing to do. It is easy to try to be tailor your life to mimick anothers. There is no challenge or creativity in that. Being a copy cat is easy.

Being an orginal is much harder.

The hardest part about being an original is that there is no blueprint or road map for you to do it. You are a trailblazer. A pioneer. The first exlporer in the new and beautiful land that is ...you!

Discovering your interests and passions in life; what you believe in; why you believe it; living what you believe takes a lifetime of practice. Knowing what you like and being alright with liking takes courage.

I used to hide the fact that I didn't like chocolate. It has never given me the thrill or elation that it has brought to the world over. In fact, I secretly longed for a chocolate chip cookie recipe that had NO chocolate chips at all. That would be divine!

I got many a strange look when I admitted it especially from other women. Some of you are gasping this very moment! It may seeem like a small insignificant admission to you. But to me, accepting this simple fact about me broke me free from pretending. Now that I don't hide "my secret" anymore I can truly enjoy the enjoyment my chocoholic friends (...and husband I might add) get from a rich decadent piece of chocolate. I don't have to pretent to enjoy it with them. I don't have to inwardly hate them because they didn't appreciate my view...a view I never verbalized to them.

Being myself, in a small thing like that, didn't end the world. It didn't end any relationship. It just ended the fear that I wouldn't be accepted.

A biblical parable advises that if we are faithful over little things, God knows we will be faithful over bigger things. The truth about chocolate in my life is a little thing that I am hoping will be the stepping stone to bigger things.

My mom and I have this playful expression we use to convey how challenging it sometimes is being in relationship with each other. One of us would jokingly gripe, "It's difficult being me." And the other would respond, "Yeah, but nobody does it better."

Ain't that the truth?!?!

Nobody does me...better than me! I am the world's best at being me. No one can do me better!
No one can do YOU better than you!

You are never going to succeed at being the best you while trying to mimick someone else. If God intended that for us, He wouldn't have given each us a unique set of fingerprints. Not replicated in any one of the over 6 billion people in the world.

If God made me an original, then I say let's get busy being original!

Wholeheartedly me,

Julia

Introducing....

"...I've got a couple dents in my fender.

Got a couple rips in my jeans.

I try to put the pieces together but perfection is my enemy.

On my own I am so clumsy but on Your shoulders I can see....I am free to be ME!"


~Francessa Batistelli


I grew up wishing I was anybody but me. I thought everyone else in the world had admirable qualities except me. I wanted to be my grandmother because she was spiritual. I wanted to be my mom because she was assertive. I wanted to be my cousins because they could dance and were popular in school. I wanted to be my friends because they could sing and were athletic.

I could see the wonderful qualities in everyone except me!



I was just average. Nothing special. All I saw in myself were the things I needed to work on. I thought my body was shaped funny. My ankles too big; my boobs too small; my hair to thick; my voice too soft;...etc.

I always had a heart for God and wanted to do things for him but I didn't think I would qualify to be used by God because I never "really went through anything". I was basically a good person so I thought I would go to heaven. I wasn't like Saul who persecuted Christians before God turned his heart. My testimony wasn't "shout worthy". Meaning I didn't have a miraculous story about how I became a christian. I wasn't drunk or high or a prostitute.


I wanted more God in my life and without getting to deep in theology, God had a specific process for me to be closer to him. So one day I decided that I would believe that God so loved the world that he sent his only son Jesus to die for our sins so that we can be reconciled back to Him. Through the life death and resurrection of Jesus, I began to see things differently. I discovered that I should be only be one person...and that is Julia.


But not just any Julia...the Julia who was in intimate relationship with God! She was THE best Julia I could be for myself and for others.


I know that everyone who reads this might not agree with Christianity and that is fine with me. But I can't separate my faith from who I am so it will be a regular theme in all my posts. Just like being a black woman and a mother and a friend and a wife will be elements in my posts because they are all elements of who I am.

The difference is that in my adventures in being me...I have to sift through varies ideologies, philosophies, and thoughts about who I should be. I have concluded that I can't successfully navigate any of that without a sound foundation...and for me that foundation will always be Jesus.

So this blog will be about my adventures in trusting, believing, discovering, and just plain being me. I might be the only one who struggles with the topics I bring up, but maybe I am not. Hopefully it can insightful and funny for the readers.

It is a brave thing to really be yourself....and then post all about it on the Internet :) But I am up for the challenge.

Wholeheartedly me,

Julia

Black people don't do that: Being a black stay at home mom

Black women are known for several things. We are heralded as strong and committed to family against all odds. We are also known for attitudes, rolling eyes and necks. What black women aren't known for? Being stay at homes. When you think of the stay at home soccer mom, you probably envision a mid 30s white woman. Not a black woman.

Well surprise! There are lots of us out there. So much so that there is even an online non profit dedicated to support black moms. The focus of this post is about the struggles I have with two specific images of being a black woman and being a stay at home. Two images rise in particular.

Struggle 1. I'm not as strong. Strong Black women are most often single parents who have to struggle to overcome all the odds to be the best for themselves and their kids. Of course I am generalizing to make a point....but what if you aren't a single mom. Imagine if you will.... a black man and black woman who are married with a good relationship and have children who were conceived and born during their marriage. No baby momma drama. No dead beat daddy issue. Are we really that rare in this day and age??!?!

I believe we have rallied around the single parent home and blended family home in the black community because they were getting a bad rap. Well its time to rally around and support the traditional nuclear family in the black community. It does take strength to deal with custody issues, financial issues, medical issues and the like as a single mom. I also know it takes strength to maintain and keep a good relationship going while raise children with integrity in todays world.

Struggle 2: I am not as black as my single parent couterparts. Really? Is blackness now defined by dysfunction and general sense of lack. I am not going to apologize for the blessings in my life. I celebrate it. To my sisters who are putting in the work everyday without father support...God bless you. Just as I am not better than the single mom, neither is the single mom better than me either because I do it with a spouse. Yes I depend on my husband for financial support. This notion flies in the face of the independent black woman who only relies on herself for financial support. Guess what? I like having a husband whom I look after and who looks after me and my kids.

Being a stay at home mom who happens to be black is a growing demographic and we face the same struggles that all moms face regardless of race or working status. I just want to start a conversation so that no one is ashamed of their current station in life. We don't have to put others down to feel better about ourselves. We can embrace the diversity of life and develop a greater appreciation for people in general...at least that is what I strive to teach my kids.