I have been on this tug of war journey and couldn't figure out how to write about it. It began with the realization that I am addicted to self. I mean...REALLY addicted. It is amazing some of the stuff that comes to the surface when you are up against a wall or thrown off your normal comfortable routine. Habits you thought were long gone suddenly become enticing again. Actions you know aren't productive are justified and then executed. November was a doozy!
I knew that this post series wouldn't warrant the same popularity as my other posts. That is OK. I asked how we could break free from self-addiction and I didn't get many responses. Thank you to the two people who attempted to help me sort this through. I agree that developing a deeper sense of who you are and accepting that we don't really have a right to a lot of the things we think we deserve. That is a great insight.
One reason for MY addiction, I discovered, is fear. Specifically, the fear that if I don't look out for myself, no one else will.
Thinking about some of the social systems of America. We can see this same fear, "if I don't look out for me, no one else will", plays out everywhere. At the core, unions exists from fear that their employers won't look out for their best interests. The law exists to keep us from infractioning others. Lawyers and judges exist to litigate and judge once some one violates another. We elect our public officials based on the fear that the "other guys" won't look out for my interest. We put money in retirement accounts and Social Security because we need to know that somebody will look out for us. There are plenty of other examples if we take the time to look at them.
It is natural to think if "you won't look out for me, them I'll have to". In some cases this idea makes sense and seems wise. But the issue with this line of thought is that it makes one gigantic assumption. It assumes that I, in my finite mental and physical capacity, am equipped to know, perceive, and exact what is best for me.
If I am honest with myself, I don't know what is the best for me sometimes. It reminds me a conversation I had with my husband early in our marriage. Like the good husband he is, he was trying to understand what I meant when I'd say, "I don't need you to fix this, I just need your support." So he'd spend lots of time and energy trying to show me support. After several tries attempts, with and without success, he asked me what support looks like. It made sense for him to ask this because I should know what I meant, right? Wrong! I had to admit that in many cases I wasn't sure what support looked like from him because each scenario was different. Sometimes support looked like him listening to me with undivided focus. Other times, it looked liked him diving into the issue with me to help me find a solution.
My point is this: Even in circumstance where I should have been the authority on what was best for me, I couldn't rise to the challenge. Even though I was asking for what I needed, I was incapable of describing what would be best in those times.
This is the reason I turn the scripture and rely on God. A lot of people take issue with my faith. They think religion is a crutch I use because I am not strong enough to rely on reason. Normally that would get me all riled up inside. I would think "I'll show them". After all, I have to look out for myself, and protect my reputation. I can't go around letting people think of me as weak and foolish. I have an image to uphold.
But then I turn to the scriptures that says that the reason and rationales of man sees the things of God as foolishness. And that God tried to use human wisdom but it was rejected. (1 Corinthians 1). So He uses what seems foolish, unlikely, or even unappealing. Until I learned what God said about this, I would walk around dejected. Now I realize that those types of criticism aren't new and are even used by God to further His cause. What relief!
Answering why am I addicted to self, isn't the BRAVE lesson in all this. The lesson is that the only way I can break free from being obsessed with self is by reading the scriptures and aligning my actions and thoughts to match it.
More to come about my rediscovery of God's word...until then,
Wholeheartedly me,
Julia
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