Psssst...guess what? You matter!

Thump-Thump....thump-thump....thump-thump!

That is my lame attempt to mimic the sound of a beating heart. I won't try to "onomatopoeia" the sound of a fetal heart beat on the heart rate monitor...which is still my favorite sound in the world!

I was in bed getting ready to fall asleep. I was thinking about all the dreams and goals I have for myself. I was getting bummed because it doesn't seem like I am any closer to any of them. Yet they are forever in my mind. Innocently, I cuddled up to "the hubs" and laid my head on his chest...thinking...wondering do I matter in this world. As I was pondering this question for the millionth time in my life, my mind went quiet and all I heard was my husbands heart beat.

Thump-thump....thump thump...thump-thump... 

Of course, I matter in this world. The problem we may face is trying to define the scope of our world. Somewhere along the line we began falsely believing that in order to "matter" we had to do or be something or someone "big". That we had to be famous, prosperous, or formally honored.

So this goes out to the overlooked. The underestimated, the insecure, the overachiever...you matter. Why? because you have a beating heart...which means you are alive!

I know there are so many people secretly wondering if their best is good enough. "Isn't there more to life than just...this?"  People in various stages of life, socioeconomic status, and education levels all wondering...do I matter? People who have nether access or means to a computer to even read this and be encouraged wondering; do I matter? People who by many societal definitions are successful; wondering do I matter?

Perhaps you changed poop all day today, or you closed the big deal you've been working on for months. Perhaps nothing particularly noteworthy happened in your day at all. That doesn't mean you don't matter. You matter to others and most importantly, you matter to God.

So the BRAVE moment for me wasn't realizing that I matter, but telling others that they do. I am putting an end to that question for myself and opening up to let you know that you matter to me and whole heck of a lot more people!

I have BIG, BRAVE dreams. I truly believe my life's mission is to help people have a better relationship, with God, themselves, and others.  Figuring out what that looks like is a challenge, I'll admit. In addition to my mission I have this creative side that is untapped...which is why I write, dance, and teach zumba. I also have this entrepreneurial side. I want to be in the position to employ people one day.

Sometimes I have so much in my head I think where do I start? Who is going to give me my big break? Who is going to chance on me, or back me? I was always looking for permission before attempting a venture.

Well bump that! I am going to take a chance on me. I am going to have to forge my open door.

I have always loved this quote from Marianne Williamson, made famous by Nelson Mandela

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Your playing small does not serve the world. Now let's get something straight here. When I see the words "playing small", it is not a reflection on the size, profitability, or "renown-ness" of your output. Focusing on size, flash, and money has landed too many of us in "woe-is-me-dom". We say I'll never be as big as... (fill in the blank) and don't even attempt to try something.

Do I want you to be a starving artist? Absolutely not. But just because you don't have a book deal shouldn't keep you from finishing your book. Don't be afraid to start small. Audition for that play or gig. Invite the supervisor to dinner. Eat on the good dishes. Sign up for the 5k. Ask her out on a date. Work on the business plan. Go back to school. You'll be surprised at how liberated you will feel. While I don't encourage reckless abandon of all responsibilities for the sake of your dreams, I do encourage focused, purposeful pursuit of them.

And while you are now thinking about pursuing them, consider your own heartbeat. When you think of that thing, goal, passion, desire, vision....notice your heartbeat. It skips when you think of it. It sings when you think of it. It pumps faster and faster and faster. It is your internal cheerleader saying, "Do it! Do it! Do it!"

Some of you may go on to become the next household name. Most of us, will not. Don't let that be the measuring stick of your success. Yes, it is scary but in the words of Joyce Meyer, "Do it afraid"! You will have set back, figure out how you'll stay motivated in the face of adversity. What is your plan to keep going? Maybe its reading the business section, magazine, tweets, or blog post before going to bed once a week to learn how to be a successful business owner of a business you don't yet have.

Take a step... and then another one, and another one, and another....and notice how your own heartbeat will be cheering you on saying "See, you matter!"

Let me know what steps you are going to take and I'll do the same!

Wholeheartedly me,

Julia

Addicted to Self

There is a strange addiction that is going unspoken in our country. It flies beneath the radar and no one is acknowledging it. It is destroying many people but there is no news story to cover it.

I am talking about addiction to self.

I had to address this addiction for its damaging effects on all of us. We live in a society, especially Americans, that is obsessed and dare I say addicted to self. Self addiction is the over obsessession, concern for, and conscious effort to please, satisify, indulge, and gratify our bodies and mental fantasies.

Self addiction causes us to forsake all other virtues and people and place our selves at the center of the universe. Suddenly, we all become the "sun" and everything revolves around us. Our conflicts in the world then come when someone or something dares to say, "It isn't about you".

Self addictions cause us to reject religions like Christianity that purport that the highest calling in life is NOT self actualization but to deny one's self and be more like Christ.

Self addiction causes us to think we can eat and consume anything that tastes good or makes me feel good regardless of the outcome. Thus the obesity epidemic, drug addiction, porn usage, sexually transmitted infections and diseases.

Self addiction causes us to relax standards of hard work, ethical behavior, and honesty for what instantly produces the result we want in the fastest possible way. Thus corruption, fraud, political posturing.

Self addiction cause us to be and remain financially illiterate and overly indebted. After all, having the iPad2 and 3D tv is more important that leaving a financial legacy or trust for our children.

Self addiction causes us to purposfully not see the hungry, hurting, and oppressed because it makes us realize how selfish we are. Thus we do good only at Thanksgiving or Christmas time to make up for 10 or 11 months of the year we focused on pleasing ourselves.

Self addiction causes us to encourage others to "be themselves", "stay that way", "don't change for anybody" and be proud even if that self is godless, destructive, two-faced, or greedy. Afterall if we don't tell other they have to change, no one will tell us we have to change.

Self addiction causes us to view the unborn, diasbled or challenged as disposable if their presence is a threat to our future, our comfort, or our pursuits.

I think the addiction to self is the biggest plight on our society today. I am fearful of the world my sons are growing up in. A world that tells them that being famous, chasing that paper, and get all you can are worthy goals to pursue. You don't have to work hard. Just do enough. You don't have to be the best. Just get by.

I realize the irony of my writing about self addiction because after all this blog is all about ME! I struggle with the penetrating ideologies of self addiction too. I am not above the influence looking down at ye mere mortals in a disapproving nod. No! I am a mere mortal, who is examining her world and questioning it. I encourage you to re-read Introducing to understand that there is a certain kind of me that I am aspiring to become. One that doesn't put self on a pedestal but dares to knock it off and see others.

In my blog philosophy, I try not to address a problem without attempting to offer solutions. I aim for bulleted points to help overcome the problems. But this issue is so deeply embedded, I am having a hard time trying to rise above it myself. So I will ask you, dear reader, assuming you agree with my observations...

How can we break free from self addiction? Leave a comment with your suggestions and I'll do a follow up post with your answers.

Wholeheartedly me,

Julia

Do you think I am fat?

"Do you think I am fat?"  " Does this make me look fat?"    "Is my butt too big?"

Raise your hand if you ever asked this question to someone. (WOW! Everyone's hand went up)

I have asked my husband those or very similiar questions throughout our 10yr relationship. He has alsways passed the test by answering correctly :)

Recently I asked my mom if she she thought I was fat. Without hesitation she said, yes! More surprised than dejected I replied,  "Oh, well thanks for being honest". And she said, "Yes, you are Pretty Hot And Tempting" (PHAT). We had a little chuckle over that but it got me to thinking.

Why do we ask questions like these? Especially when we already know the answers. Are we looking for validation? Are we looking to get a ego stroke? Are we waiting for someone to tell us the truth?

If you think about it, it is a pointless question to pose to others. You put them in a no win situation anyway. My husband rolls his eyes when I ask him. It just frustrates him because he doesn't "win" whichever way he answers. If she says yes you are fat, he is labeled insenstive. If he says no you aren't fat, he is labeled a flatterer and I won't believe him anyway.

I am pondering this now because since I have moved to our new city, I have gained about 5lbs. I can see it on my body. So maybe I thought if I asked others if they see and they say no, then maybe I am just being hard on myself. Maybe it is just my body image distortion showing up.

After the latest exchange with my mom, I decided not to ask that question anymore. Nothing good comes from it. If I am overweight or gaining weight, then I will do something about it. But here is the BRAVE lesson in this.

I will not let 5lbs or the size of my thighs or my arm flab or belly roll dictate my opinion of myself.

I am convinced now more than ever that our opinions of ourselves must to rooted in characteristics that are eternal and not temporal. Proverbs 31:30 says that beauty is fleeting, but a woman (or man) who fears God is to be praised. That passage lets me know that is more important for us to strive to improve our character and legacy. Being a person of truth, integrity,and hard work is more rare now than being good looking.

Does this mean we shouldn't take care of our bodies? Of course not. I have found that my biggest character growth has come while trying to care for this body. When you are trying to eat right, excercise, or lose weight, your inner character flaws and shortcomings show up right away. They tell to quit. They tell you to start tomorrow. They tell you, you've done enough for the day. Just watch The Biggest Loser to see this. The contestants uncover the charcter issues that led to their weight gains in the first place. And part of becoming stronger physically is becoming stronger mentally.

So long mind games! I don't need to ask if I am fat ever again.

I know the answer to that question...and more importantly I know that I am developing:

                                          

                                               patience

kindness

                                              love

                             joyfulness

                                selflessness

humility

                                                                                  strength

                                                         self controll

These are gonna last a lot longer than my pant size!

Wholeheartedly me,

Julia

Quiet

You escape me in this day and age of rush and hurry

wind and fury.

Yet I can not stop my pursuit of you.

You are a conducive agent.

I see that now.

Having you means more.

it means clarity and focus.

it means effortless. it means time and opportunity

it means planning and rest.

Relief.

I sit. I close my eyes. You embrace me, entice me, and ignite me.

Now my friend, I notice you are two faced.

There is a difference in you in the morning and at night

you are truly different.

In the morning you are full of anticipation and eagerness. You are planned and focused.

In the evening, you are calm, serene.

Truth be told I like you better at night. But I need your morning offering too

You demand nothing from me.

I can just BE.

Thank you for finding your way through the brambles, through the mire, through the never ending maze of my modern life.

But you didn't come alone...you brought sanity with you.



Black people don't do that: Getting professional therapy

In an early episode of Mad Men, January Jones' character decides to go see a psychiatrist. Someone in the episode said getting "psychoanalyzed" is the "in" thing to do.

...for rich white people maybe.

Black people don't get professional help with emotional or pychological problems. We pray, "church" it away, talk it away, or just ignore it altogether.

To this day, it is still a stigma in the black community to seek a counselor, shrink, psychologist or any type of professional therapist. But why? A couple things come to my mind

1. Money: Therapy costs money and if faced with dropping $100 an hour to shrink or getting groceries, therapy hasn't a fighting chance. There are some socioeconomic issues that are really there. But many jobs offer employee mental health benefits; some for free.

2. Pride: Black people have a reputation to uphold as strong and self sufficient. Perhaps because of the history of blacks in this country, some feel that we don't have the luxury of appearing weak. This is especially for the black men out there. Please believe that seeking help is wisdom not weakness. There are some things you just can't do alone.

3. Cover up: We all know that something "ain't right" with pookie, man-man, uncle Joe, or Aunt Dee but we adapt to fit that. We wrap around and structure our lives to minimize the abnormality as much as we can. We cover or in some cases enable behaviors out of loyalty or even love. By covering up, you could hurting them or yourself more than you ever intended.

You can imagine my distress when I was hospitalized twice for an "unknown" medical condition. You can imagine my surprise when medical professional suggested I see a counselor because I was diagnosed with stress!

I have never heard of a such a diagnosis. I felt like a failure because I "needed" to go see a counselor. What was wrong with me? I was ashamed.

I feared that people would think I was crazy. What was wrong with me that I had difficulty handling the everyday of life? Millions of moms in the world can handle being a mom without going to the shrink, why can't I? Of course, I never spoke to millions of mom. Fear is illogical. 

I can still hear my grandmother saying we don't air our dirty laundry. She heard her form her parents and so on and so on. So I understand that it is generational.

But here is my thing: If we don't air the dirty laundry, it won't ever get cleaned!

Airing the dirty laundry to cousin Tee Tee ain't gonna cut it. Well meaning friends and family who love you dearly can unintentionally keep you in bondage. They lack the skills, knowledge, or resources to help you rise above where you are. They only know what they know and if you are facing a situation that is bigger than you and them, you need help from someone with great knowledge, skills, and resources.

Am I saying that seeking professional help is the end all. NO! But I am saying it is worthy considering and a lot cheaper than medical bills, divorce, addiction, abuse, and funeral expenses!

Be brave enough to break the silence. Seek professional help and the situation doesn't have to be dire before you start. My counselor helped me identify what I was fighting and then gave me some strategies to help fight it.

I am not ashamed about my journey or my counseling. Find a professional you'd be comfortable with. I wanted a female Christian counselor. Having a counselor who understood my faith and worldview made it easier for me to dive deep. It was important that my counselor hold the same beliefs so as we identified roots, we could pray for God's wisdom on how to uproot them and not replant bad seed. I couldn't do that on my own. My loving wonderful husband and great supportive friends couldn't help me there. It was a grueling 4 months of my life but I am reaping the rewards of that hard work now.

The next time someone says, "You need help"....seriously consider...."do I?"

Wholeheartedly me,

Julia 

First Impression

I had a meeting with a new contact today. I never met this person before and while I wasn't nervous about my objective for the meeting or the subject matter, one thing keep eating away at my confidence.

My impression.

We all know 1st impressions go a long way. We size up and are sized up with 15 seconds of meeting someone new. Though 1st impressions aren't always accurate, they are impactful. They help us categorize our world. They determine how we will interact with people going forward. They contribute to the image we hold.

Let's face it. An impression is a underlying feeling or opinion we have about a person. We don't know why we like or dislike someone new. We just do. And that impression is a building block. 

So this was on my mind before my meeting. What impression will this person have of me?

Truth be told, I was in complete conflict. I was trapped in this internal conflict between forcing an impression and yielding an impression. When we force an impression, you put on the right clothes, rehearse the right small talk opener, plan the exact spots to name drop or highlight how great you are. All in an attempt to force others into having the impression you want them to have. When you yield an impression, you commit being authentic. You let go trying to influence their thinking in ways that aren't yours to influence. 

If you have a job interview, influence them with your punctuality, manners,skills, training, and record of success. If you are making new friends, influence them with your sense of humor, caring nature, and knack for having a good time.

I've learned one thing about impressions. They are outside of my ability to control. I can't force a favorable one. I can't control what someone thinks of me and trying to is a complete waste of time.

Though I wrestled with it for a while, I finally decided to let it all go and be in the moment. Regardless of the outcome, I made a BRAVE choice...and that is an accomplishment.

Wholeheartedly me,

Julia

The Biggest Loser Inspiration: Honesty

Last night was the The Biggest Loser premiere. TBL is probably my favorite reality show because it gets at the very heart of being BRAVE enough to be yourself. The overweight contestants come to the show with the end goal of losing weight but in the process they find themselves.

One female contestant lost her father while on campus, went home, and came back more determined than ever to tackle her weight loss struggle for herself.

The thing I love about the show and its trainers is that they get to the heart of the issues of each contestant.

Hidden underneath all the fat tissue is doubt, self hatred, fear, shame, worthlessness, and a myriad of other issues. Both men and women are shedding tears and shedding layers of emotional baggage in an attempt to discover themselves.

I love watching how each contestant with each workout or with each challenge gains a little more bravery and little more confidence.

It would be nice if we could all get 16 weeks of distraction free time to focus on ourselves. But it doesn't have to take that.

It just takes a commitment to being the best we can be in this moment. One good decision spurs another. One good action spurs another, One good thought spurs another. With the right motivation, plan, and support, we can overcome the emotional setbacks we face each and everyday.

One male contestant admitted that people think he has a great self esteem because he is always chipper and happy but on the inside he thinks negatively about himself.

You don't have to be morbidly obese to relate to him or his story. We've all "faked" a smile in order to appear alright. I don't know about you but I am tired of faking. Now I am not going to walk around saying "woe is me" all the time either. What I am committed to do it is following the hallway of truth to the doors of freedom. (just channeled my inner Martin Luther King there :)

Honesty with yourself and others is where true change can begin. If we want to change, we have to look at the stuff we are uncomfortable with, the stuff we don't like, and the stuff we'd rather sweep under the rug.

Whether you are trying to lose weight, get a better financial outlook, start a business, or just be happy. Be brave enough to be honest. Get on the scale and see how much you weigh. Pull out all the bills and see how much you owe. Talk to close friends and family about your dating potential. Whatever it is, look at it. It will be hard to face but it will be worth it.

If we are brave enough to do it, then we'll all be the biggest losers of the unwanted road blocks that keep us from being the best we can be.

Wholeheartedly me,
Julia