Finding your personal outlet

It has been a long time since I posted on this blog. I stopped to pursue some other things. I am still pursuing them but I need another outlet. An outlet that is just about me and my life as I pursue and live my life.

WOW! I have learned a lot as I have been trying to build my other blog. I am excited for what is on and poppin over there but I love this blog because I don't care if no one reads it. It is my personal release. No pressure about SEO titles, plugins, pictures, hash tags, and all the other junk that get people noticed. 

This is me trying NOT to be noticed. 

Sometimes I feel like I am losing myself in all my pursuits. What do I really want to do? I want to be a life coach and motivational speaker. Yes! But what is the subject matter that I want to talk about. I think I know but I am having a hard time putting into a elevator speech or the executive summary of a business plan. My business coach and mentors are all "suggesting" (they are really telling me) things I need to get done. My brain hurts.

I think I am a lot overworked and need to be refreshed.

God restore me and help me focus on what you have for me. Not on impressing others or trying to live up to some image.

We all need a place and time to just relax and regroup. This is that place for me. A place where I can write and be free to be me!

Unleashed

You may not see it but there is a change in me.

I have reached a point in my life where the things I have been a afraid to do are the very things I am determined to tackle head on.

I can no longer run from certain things because the things I am running from are the very things I need to help me fulfill my purpose.

Recently i read a quote on Facebook that said
 "Your gifts are not about YOU
   Leadership is not about YOU
   Your purpose is not about YOU
   A life of significance is about serving those
   who need your gifts, leadership, and purpose"
Kevin Hall, "Aspire"

I fell in love with this quote because that is where I am. Ironically, in a blog about...well...me. I discover how it isn't about me at all. I am drilling down deep to excavate, unearth and forcibly remove all the junk that keeps me thinking it is all about me!

Basically, I am doing YOU a disservice by not reaching my full potential and well the people pleaser in me just can't have that! LOL

I am going to be doing some BIG things in these next few months. My vision for what this blog was going to be in January of 2012 has changed. It might not continue, but don't worry you will continue to hear from me.

I am unleashed now and you can either come with me or get out the way!

Selling yourself short

I have recently learned that I have been severely selling myself short to that point of being handicapped.

When someone compliments you, do you brush it off? Sometimes, especially Christians, in our efforts to avoid being prideful and walk in humility, we short change the skills we have developed and the talents God gave us.

I recently connected with a former recruiter to get some perspective on the impression my resume gives to a potential employer or client. I never met the recruiter before and she was referred to me by a college friend so this was going to be perfect: a stranger with no prior knowledge of me could give some honest feedback.

Her comments were so unbelievably complimentary that I couldn't believe she was talking about me. She said I had excellent experiences and just needed to tweak a few things to make those experiences really shine.

 I had never thought my experiences amounted to much because they weren't with fortune 500 companies. But as I think about it... skills are skills no matter where you develop them. I am slowly and I do mean slowly remembering the compliments I used to brush off. I am remembering the skills I used volunteering. I am rethinking my work experiences through a new set of eyes...appreciation!

In talking to the people who know me well, they kept saying things like "finally", "it's about time", and "at last", as if they knew I was blinded by my shortsightedness all along. And knowing them, they probably told me about it but I didn't listen.

The BRAVE lesson for me was giving myself permission to actually see my strengths. I AM good at what I love to do. Recognizing that isn't prideful but actually gives glory to God.

Scriptural Gem: Enjoy the ride (Philippians 1:6)

Enjoy where you are on the way the way to where you are going!

In all the madness and "git-her-done-ness" of my life right now I am miserable. My business is taking off and I am constantly thinking about how to improve it. How to get more customers? How do I keep the ones I have? How do I prepare for lean times.

In addition to that we had a small financial set back. So I have been worrying about whether we'll have the money to celebrate our 10 year anniversary in the grand sweeping way I so desire.

My son is getting ready to start preschool so I wondering if he has learned enough at home.
The last few weeks have been emotionally and mentally draining. I can't seem to turn my mind off. I am thinking about the future and how to get me and everyone else where I want to be.

Then I read Philippian 1:6 where Paul wrote to the church there:

I am convinced and sure of this very thing thing, He Who began a good work in you will continue until the day of Jesus Christ, developing that good work and perfecting and bring it to full completion in you. [AMP]

I have been so bogged down in the details of my life that I am not enjoying my life!

I have been absolutely miserable for the last few weeks. Why? I am trying to develop perfect and bring to completion the work in my life. Not just with my business but with my character goals, relationship goals, and yes financial goal. In short, I have been hustling. I haven't allowed myself to enjoy anything really.

I keep thinking this success is temporary and if I stop to enjoy any of it I will lose momentum and then the success will end.
That is a very defeating and deflating line of thinking. It has just left me stressed and upset because I am not enjoying the fruits of my labor.

This corrosive line of thinking isn't just in my professional life but in my personal life as well.
I am not enjoying my young children because I am worrying about the next step in their development. Do they know their names, shapes, colors, numbers, and letters? No? Well I really should be doing something that helps them learn those things and not building a fort for them to play in.

It sounds utterly ridiculous to say that out loud but it is what I have been thinking. Other moms seems to have this creative way of making learning fun for their kids and I am struggling to think of what they need to know. Un-oh I am falling prey to comparisons again. The result? I look at my kids for what they need to become and not for who they are. I don't enjoy them now because I am scared that I won't adequately prepare them for what is coming.

Bottom line is I am trying to make all these things happen and the Bible is telling me that I need to rely on God to do the heavy lifting of making us all over into what we need to be. It is also telling me I need to enjoy the ride and not just try to hurry to the destination.
Hmmmm....ok God I hear ya! Help me do that.


Seeking gems,

Julia

Where is God?

Bad things happen in this world and most of the time when we are upset about how things happened we tend to ask Where is God? Where was God when 9-11 happened? Where was God in Katrina? In Irene? when the earthquakes hit? when the wildfires blazed? when that child was abducted and sold as a sex slave? where was God when we lost our house? I lost my job? Where was God when she got raped? He got murdered? We got he deceptively got millions and we honestly went broke? Where was God when...? pick a tragedy and fill in the blank.

We demand to know where God is in a tragedy because we somehow believe if God was "there" then the tragedy wouldn't have happened. We have this view of God in our world today as the preventor of all things bad. And when God doesn't prevent something bad from happening we can blame him. We question is true sovereignty or even his existence. Why do feel the right to blame God? Because we believe that since God has the power to stop things from happening He must have chosen to allow a bad thing to happen to us. Some take this even further to even give evidence that there is no God at all. Or to choose not to trust a God who operates that way.

I don't purport to have all the answers but here is something I want to offer. Perhaps we are asking the wrong question. Instead of asking where is God? or why did God let happen?

What would happen if we asked: God, where am I?

Follow me a second on this. This question assumes a lot. It assumes you believe in God. It assumes you believe that God is in relationship with mankind. It assumes man can choose the degree and depth of his relationship to God.

Following all of those assumptions, if we ask "God, where am I?" in life's tragedies perhaps the answers could bring more comfort. Am I in a place to hear God? Am I in a place to let God direct me? And I in a place to allow God to comfort me? Am I in a place to allow God to correct me?

The Bible says God doesn't change. He is the same yesterday today and forever. He is...here's a christianese word...omnipresent which means everywhere all the time. In tragedies, He is where He was always been. In good times. He is where He has always been.

Believe it or not. That is good news to me. Here is where my biblical worldview is going to come out. God is and will always be in the very same "place" when good things happen and bad things happen.
The BRAVE lesson for me is trust is a hard "mother *shut your mouth*" to learn and live by. (Did you like my Shaft reference :)

In tough and confusing times I can seek solace by:
1. asking God where is my mental and emotional state on an issue?
2. assessing what that state reveals about my beliefs
3. turning to God to get through it not away from Him

If I am completely honest with myself, I don't always like it this approach. At times, I still demand more concrete answers but after the fist shaking and hissy fit have passed, God is still there and where is always been waiting for me to see the trust lesson.

Wholeheartedly me,

Julia

The Incident

I have been a big promoter of stepping out and trying new things. But what happens when you try new things and they blow up in your face? How do you recover from that?

Many years ago friend of mine had a cousin who was in a coma as a result of an accident. He was on life support and doctors weren’t optimistic of his recovery. My friend was praying for her cousin, as usual when one day she heard God say that her cousin was going to live and go to tell the family. Naturally my friend got really excited and she told the rest of her family to keep the faith and be diligent because her cousin was going to live. But he died. His death was devastating for my friend. She never really got over it because she felt ashamed and foolish for believing God and it didn’t come to pass.

The friend in my story was me.  I stepped out on what I believed was faith and felt utterly humiliated. I never spoke about “the incident” again because I didn’t want to relive the feelings of hurt, embarrassment, and anger that are as fresh as if they happened yesterday, not over a decade ago.

I didn’t doubt then nor do I doubt now that I heard from God. But what I heard and what happened didn’t sync.

Recently, I was talking to my husband about those times when we are believing God for something in earnest and it doesn’t happen. How do you reconcile that in your mind? How do you have faith to trust and believe for the next thing?

Well my latest “next thing” is here and I am struggling. I was talking to God about a desire I have. I want something specific for my business and to me it is a big deal. Yet I hesitate to ask God because  of the residue from “the incident”. In a BRAVE moment, when there was quiet and I was willing, I brought it up. Yes I talk to God out loud sometimes. Conversation went something like this:

“Ok, God, you seem to want to address this issue. I felt disappointed by the outcome of “the incident”. I honestly believe I heard you and was obedient in telling my family that he was going to live and not die. But he died! Some might accuse me of not hearing from you. Some might accuse me of having some secret sin in my life which could have caused it not to happen. There are lots of reasons but the bottom line is when a person publically proclaims something from You and it doesn’t happen for private reasons…that person looks like an idiot! And I don’t like that.”

I wish I could say God answered me back as plainly as I spoke to him. But He didn’t. The oddest thing happened though. For the first time since “the incident” I was able to fully recount the whole story without feeling the familiar twins of embarrassment and anger. By remembering the events without the pain associated with them, I was able to allow my wounds to begin to heal. In the healing process, you can see things you never saw before. I discovered I was taking responsibility for something I shouldn’t have. I was in my teens when “the incident” happened and legally the decisions that were made about my cousin’s care or treatment were not within my control. What was in my control was my mouth. I was told to spread the hope that my cousin would live. I did that.

The BRAVE lesson God allowed me to see was that in a culture where we are so focused on RESULTS, it is hard to be satisfied with simply being faithful to do your part...especially when that part is small.

I wanted the results! I wanted the headline: "Teen miraculously survives near fatal accident". But it wasn't until I let go of the "results" and accepted that I did my part that I could even talk about it...let alone blog about it. I can't honestly say I understand what God was doing, did, is doing with regard to "the incident" but I can say, I am on my way to healing from it.

Wholeheartedly me,

Julia

Scriptural Gem: Like a tree (Jer 12:7-8)

One of my new favorite things is looking at trees. All different types of trees. I especially like looking at trees when they do not have any leaves on them. In the fall and winter when they are bare and seem to be dark and grey I can really see the intricacies of their structure. In the spring and summer, I can witness the tree renew itself and produce leaves and fruit. Amazing!

I was reading in Jeremiah 17:7, 8
Most blessed is the man who believes in, trusts in, and relies on the Lord, whose hope and confidence the Lord is. Vs 8 For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters, that spreads out its roots by the river; and it shall not see and fear when heat comes; but its leaf shall be green. It shall not be anxious and full of care in the year of drought nor shall it cease yielding fruit.

The GEM I am receiving from this scriptures is that the latter verse which talks about how the tree will stand and be green and not fear is predicated on the prior verse.

I need to believe in and trust the Lord with EVERYTHING so that I can have the strength to be brave enough not to fear when heat and drought comes.

We've all experienced "heated" and "dry" circumstances of life and we will continue to have these times.

My roots are planted and secure in the hope of the gospel of Christ. I can trust God even when I have no clue what is going on. In fact, THAT is when trust really counts. Trust doesn't kick in until you are clueless about the ways but you know the character of him. I have to admit it is HARD sometimes to trust that openly and honestly. For me, I hesitate because I ascribe to God the same flaws of men. I assume God will disappoint just like "so and so" did in 1986. As a result of broken trust in the past, I am guarded with extending my trust in the future...even to God.

Each year I ascribe a motto for that year. It is a mantra that I try to live as a way of assessing how I spent my year. In 2010, it was "I CAN do it". That year I tackled hard issues and forced myself to keep going. In 2011, it was "O for grace to trust him more". I wanted to trust God with those things that I hid from him and asked him not to touch. I couldn't come up with a mantra for 2012 and now I know why. Because I am not finished with expanding my ability to trust God...and others. I have a lot more work to do in that area. So my 2012 motto is "Increasing trust".

Through this scripture I have discovered that it is possible to not only survive tough times but to thrive and be fruitful in them...as long as my trust and confidence is in the Lord and his ability.

I want to be able to do that. We recently went through a very stressful time financially and I was embarrassed and surprised at my lack of trust. My goal isn't to brag about how much trust God. My goal is to prove to myself that I have grown in the area of trusting God. That is what counts. Sometimes moving from point A to point A.5 is progress worth celebrating.

Walking out the Gem,

Julia

Scriptural Gem: Comparisons (2Cor 10:12b)

The first line in my first ever blog post called Introducing, says "Growing up I wished I was anybody but me". I go on to say  how everyone seemed to have qualities I admired and wished I had. I didn't accept myself and this blog was intended to be about my discoveries and accepting who God has made and is making me to be. So I have been comparing myself with other people FOREVER. It has been a habit so deeply rooted in me that it happens without me even knowing it is happening.

Recently I came across a scripture that made me rethink comparing myself to others.

When they measure themselves with themselves and compare themselves with one another, they are without understanding and behave unwisely. (AMP) 2 Corinthians 10:12b

There are other scriptures in the Bible that warn against the comparing ourselves with others. This scripture struck me because of how it opens.

"When they measure themselves with themselves." As I though about it, when I compared myself to others, I was somehow saying that my finite understanding and limited life experience was sufficient enough to definitively conclude that I didn't measure up.

What happens when you compare yourself to other people? Either you don't measure up and become jealous or envious of them and further hate yourself. OR you find someone who you actually surpass on your measuring stick and then think yourself haughty and your ego is inflated and are filled with pride.

 So please tell me what good comes from comparisons like that.

When other people are our standard it is like building a house on shifting sand. Am I saying there aren't people who are admirable and who we could learn from? Absolutely not. There are people who could be a role model for us.

I found that the best and only person I can compare myself to and model after is Jesus Christ. When I compare myself to him and what he says, I don't have time to be anyone except me.

Seeking gems,

Julia

What I learned from Red Tails: It's not what you think

Red Tails is the latest film adaptation of the true events about the Tuskegee Airmen: the first group of all black fighter pilots in the US armed forces. The movie opens with a quote from the 1925 military study.

"Blacks are mentally inferior and by nature subservient, and thus are unfit for combat".



I'll be the first to admit that when I read that on the screen I had two reactions. First, I was angry. Second, I was concerned.

It is pretty obvious why I was angry so I won't go into that. But my concern was over how the black struggle for equality was going to be portrayed in this movie.

Would it be portrayed in a way that oversimplified the struggled in an attempt to make white audiences feel less uncomfortable? Or would it over emphasize the struggle by harping on the harshest and most extreme cases of prejudice, bigotry, and violence leaving all audiences emotionally battered?

I think it accomplished a nice balance so go see it! There! I didn't spoil anything for you.

I walked out of the theater feeling strangely patriotic and proud to be America...not African American so much but just American. Of course I am proud to be Black. In the words of Jerry Maguire "I love Black people." Usually these types of movie stirs up the inner Black Power in anyone, but that wasn't the case for me. I was struck by hugely American this film was and how proud I am to be an American not despite our flaws....but because of them!

Let me explain. Let's just be real. We all know the history of racial prejudice in this country. We have either experienced it first hand or we have heard or read about it. It is something we aren't proud of so we try to minimize it. 

Well how can we ever change and grow if we don't talk openly? Not with attitude, but with understanding.

The BRAVE lesson I discovered was there is power in helping people who you don't like and who don't like you.

The truth is we barely know the people we don't like. We know just enough about them to say we don't like them and then the learning stops there.

The Bible even says there is nothing special about loving people who love you. Anybody can do that. That takes no real challenge.

It takes humility, selflessness, (two words we don't like) and courage to act in a way that benefits a foe or enemy. But doing so produces a greatness that is indescribable. It deepens our ability to be compassionate. It broadens our perspective. It magnifies our ability to love others. Basically, it expands our ability to change.

I guess that is why I felt so proud to be Americans after the movie. Though we dislike a lot of people; though we get a lot wrong; every now and then Americans take a moment to do something that benefits people we don't like. And when we do that positive change follows. It might not be quick and it will be met with resistance. But it wouldn't be the American way if it didn't.

Wholeheartedly me,

Julia

Stretching myself to volunteer

I will be the first to admit that I don't like volunteering! I know! I know! Serving others is something that we should all strive to do. But I have to be honest.

I have been forced, guilted, and even shamed into serving others so many times that the idea of doing it on my own free will was preposterous!

Top 3 things that tick me off about volunteering:

1. They never know when to stop asking! As soon as I agree to help with project A, I feel rope into in helping with projects B-K. Then my people pleasing side doesn't want to say no because after all, they are short on volunteers.
2. Disorganization! A lot of places do not know how to manage their volunteers in a way that maximizes the labor force while simultaneously creating the much needed sense of accomplishment in the volunteer. There are too many mass calls for laborers and not enough structure on how to divy that labor.
3. Feeling inadequate! Be honest, does sweeping the walk or washing the dishes way really help in the grand scheme of things? The organizations I care about have BIG needs. I want to help in BIG ways. Do my meager custodial or culinary or very bad gardening skills really make a difference in the lives of the men, women, and children who are struggling to preserve theirs?

Despite the tarnishes of my previous experiences with volunteering, the preciousness of that gem never escaped me.

So for the last two years I have secretly prayed and thought about volunteering in a way that marries the value and the postive experience of volunteering happily. There are so many great non-profit organizations and community projects worthy of my attention and my time. The quandary for me was when, where, and how.

Some where along the way, I convinced myself that I had nothing to offer people who were "less fortunate" because I have not walked in their shoes. I even thought my lack of struggle in life would be an offense to them. 

We've all seen that show or movie in which the well meaning (and in some cases not so well meaning) volunteer showed up around the holidays or by court order only to be confronted by some shelter resident who chides the volunteer for being there today and gone tomorrow. I didn't want that to be me. I didn't want to be seen as some bougie (pronounced boo-zhee) suburban chick giving pittance to the po'folk.

I had to make choice. I could cower under the fictious tent of  "what-ifs" based on my keenly reliable mind reading skills. Or I could take of control of the things over which I had control and partake in an experience that is priceless.

In my post titled "Psst...you matter", I reference one of my favorite quotes Nelson Mandela used. He says "....There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you...And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

I decided to take control. What do I have control over? My preferences and schedule.

The BRAVE lesson I learned was that it is ok, and even healthy to set boundaries even when in service to others.

I can not serve to the best of my ability under guilt and obligation because I overcommited myself because I was afraid to say no. There is a time and a place for us to inconvenience ourselves for others but it is unwise and unhealthy to chronically do so. 

I am going to be volunteering at a home for women recovering from drug and alcohol addiction. I have never struggled with being homeless and/or being addicted to drug or alcohol. So I have no ideas what they'll think of me and worrying about it is a waste of time. Hopefully as I let my light shine, I can encourage someone to do the same.

I can set boundaries by:

• practicing the law of prior choice. My husband and I will decide ahead of time how much time I can realistically spend volunteering. That way I can avoid the people pleasing impulse to work longer than I should.
• aligning my strengths with their needs. Instead of doing something because it needs to be done, I will do things that are in line with my interests and passions. That way everyone benefits.
• saying "No". If I can't do it, I am going to say no and NOT offer a drawn out explanation that is fueled by feeling guilty. As women, we say no but then we feel we have to "soften" our no with an explanation about why we said no.

These small steps now, can make for a smooth, and dare I say it, enjoyable transition into volunterism.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Wholeheartedly me,

Julia

Banishing Insecurties

Insecurities are like roaches. You think they are gone but if you expose a hidden area, they surface.

Some of you have made goals this year. To lose weight; exercise more; manage money better; get out of a negative relationship; go back to school; etc.

How are you doing on those? Did you find the minute you decided to make a change for the better, you ran smack into your giant wall of insecurities or self doubt? Maybe your insecurities came out the mouth of a well meaning friend or a maybe out of the mouth of someone who doesn't wish you well. 

 

In my post "some risks are worth taking", I revealed that I started a business. At the time of the post, I was so happy to be able to fulfill a dream of mine. In fact, two more business opportunities came my way within the first week of launch. I immediately went from an ecstatic "I did it" to a worrisome "what have I done?"

I ended that post saying I wasn't going to listen to all the doubts I had. I listened far too long. But yet there I was again. Listening, watering, and giving too much attention to those doubts.

The Apostle Paul wrote in Roman 7:15 about being disgusted that the things he wants to do he doesn't do and the thing he hates doing, he does. How I can relate!

Why is when we are striving for the things we want most in our lives we can't escape wondering can I really do this? I mean surely God can just take it away, right? Sure, but what will I learn?

I admit, when faced with pressure, conflict, or uncomfortable situations, I have the tendency to retreat! That is my first instinct. The BRAVE lesson I am learning (because I certainly haven't master it yet) is that wanting to retreat and retreating are two different things.

When I feel the desire to retreat, I usually beat myself up for feeling that way...which then adds more pressure...which causes me to want to retreat even further. However, no harm has been done because I merely "wanted to". The harm comes when I actually retreat.

There is an important distinction between the two. I might want to go hide under the covers when life gets to hard, but each time I am BRAVE enough to say I will not retreat, I am banishing my insecurities.

Notice that I titled this post "banishing" and not "banished". Banish means to compel to depart. It is not just semantics. For my grammar loving friends, check this out. The suffix 
" -ing" implies an active on going state. The ending  "-ed" implies completion or something is done.

I am in the active state of compelling lack of confidence and self doubt to depart!



We will NEVER rid ourselves of all insecurities! They are a part of being human. The question is how will we deal with them when they come up.

The more you practice telling your insecurities to "get out" ; "get tha steppin"; "beat it"; "scram" ; "get outta here"; etc, the easier it becomes for you to move past them and on towards your accomplishing your goals!

So how do you actively compel lack of confidence and self-doubt to depart?

• Acknowledge it. Don't deny that you are insecure. That only buries the problem. Admit it.
• Remember. Remember the times you walked in confidence and draw strength from knowing that if you did it once, you can do it again
• Get support. Tell someone you trust about your struggle and ask them to support you through it.

Let's keep up the fight. Though our goals may come and go, the person we become while pursuing our goals lasts forver!

Wholeheartedly me,

Julia

Black people don't do that: Stay in church for less than 2 hrs

(Note: this post is in a tongue in cheek look at this subject. So lighten up a little. Sometimes hard topics can breed good conversation when first approached with humor. I encourage you be BRAVE enough to comment and laugh... it's ok!)

I grew up in a small all black baptist church. Growing up you did nothing on Sunday except go to church....ALL day (especially if we had a special program)!

It wasn't until I got to college that I visited an all white church. It was complete culture shock!
I had no doubt that my white friends and their congregants loved Jesus and was commited to living a life that honored him...it was just they expressed it differently. Here are a few of my observations:

1. White church used a guitars in the music. The piano or the organ was the most prominent instrument in the joint. Then came the drums and then the tamborine
2. White church worship songs had nature metaphors and references. They sang about "deer panting for the water", about mountains and streams. In black church, we sang about how Jesus was going " help you pay your rent, and get clothes for your babies".
3. White church began and ended within 1.5 hrs. Black church started and ended when "the Holy Ghost said so"...translation...hours later. Comedian Gary Owens comments on his experience in an all black church

I always attributed the length of service as the number one reason I couldn't get people to come to church with me growing up...LOL!

Oh and for those who haven't had the experience of attending an all black service here is a little preview from the Color Purple. One of my favorite scenes!

What are some differences you noticed between Black and White churches?


Wholeheartedly me!

Julia

Some risks are worth taking

One of my lifelong goals was to own my own business. Unlike some, I never knew the type of business I wanted to own. All I knew was that I was fascinated by being able to offer someone a job. Several years ago, probably around new years, I made a list of things I wanted to do in my life. It wasn't a bucket list per se but just things I longed to do.
I remember after I wrote, I reread it and was immediately discouraged. The joy and excitement that I had experienced mere seconds before were replaced by excuses and fear. Like a tidal wave, the excuses him and immediately I was drowing in the face of my reality. Needless to say I didn't do anything on that list that year. I've kept the list and when I am feeling BRAVE I review and then wait to see what feelings overtake me.

Two years ago, I reviewed the list and felt the vines of boldness creep up my back and plant itself on my shoulders. I thought why have I been telling myself I can't do these things.

My personality type is one that dreams big but doesn't see the path to get to the dream. When I looked at the list of would be achievements, I only saw them in their fully developed, fully realized states, best case scenario states. I would look at my dream business then look at the dirty diaper on the floor waiting to be deposited in the bin and wonder how I could ever bridge the two. Well no wonder I felt discouraged.

Fully equiped with boldness and fresh perspective from my counselor I gave myself permission to start working toward a goal; specifically, starting my own business.

The BRAVE lesson in this was recgoninzing that starting small can be the biggest thing I can do. Why? Because it allows me to start. If I try to go big right out the gate, most likely I'd never get off the ground. After much thought, prayer,a nd research this week I am humbled to say, I am launching my own business. The full business launch won't happen until the end of this year but one phase of it is ready and happens this week. AND I was able to offer someone a job! I have tackled something that, in the words of my late grandmother, "scared the living daylights outta me."

The hardest part about starting my business was dealing with all the internal junk involved in discovering what mattered most. I wanted to be able to rent office space, have a receptionist, a top notch website, and the latest and greatest gadgets. I wanted to "look" successful. I erroroneously thought that if I did it big, God would be best glorifyied. I wanted to make God look good and thought being a success in the way society defines it would do that. The truth was that deep inside, i wanted to all those things to make myself look good in the hopes that I might believe that I am good enough. The bible says that God will lead me in truimph (2Cor2:14), but I learned that my idea of triump and God's idea of triump have to be aligned.

Triumph to God is overcoming something that used to overcome you. Being obsessed with my public image used to overcome me, but not anymore. I feared that people wouldn't get it, heck! Half the time I didn't get it. Now I see all these years that God was leading me in the way of triumph by exposing and expelling the hidden agendas, the secret desires, the pride, and the shame that was keeping me from going after a dream.
My grand opening won't make the papers, and there will be little Facebook flourish.  As I mentioned in previous post on New Year's resolutions, I am writing about it to be held accountable and ask for support. I am also writing about it to encourage you. Hopefully the right person will read this and tak away a nugget that will cause their boldness to bud.

When you put yourself out there to start something new, you have TONS of reason not to do it. I have listened to those reasons long enough. Some risks are just worth taking.

Wholeheartedly me,

Julia

Scriptural Gems: Intro

One thing I realized is that we all want to know God and yearn to be His friend and have a closeness with him but we disregard the way He designed that to happen. You can not know God without knowing the scriptures, the Word, the Bible...whatever term you want to use. Pure and simple. God has revealed so much of his thoughts, his character, his intentions, his advice, his commandments, his desires, what he wants, what we should do, how we should act, how we should think, how to treat adversity, how to treat abundance, etc, all in the scriptures but because of our own biases, deceptions, disappointment, or some other "bible toting" person actions, we diminish the power and necessity of the Bible for several reasons.


It is like saying I want to know how to make a cake but I don't want to look a recipe. We want others to tell us what to do, psychics, fortune cookies, friends. etc because that is a whole lot easier than pulling out the scriptures and spending time with God. Why do you think so many false prophets and money hungry televangelists have been so successful in this country. Because we'd rather rely or even pay for another to tell us about God than to discover him for ourselves.


The flip side to this error is the some have decided that as long as they have God they don't need other people. We don't need Jesus, a pastor, or teacher, or to go to church to be with other congregants. All we need is God. That isn't scriptural either. The bible is full of encouragement to get to know others, serve other, learn from each other, and teach others. We can't do that with a "lone ranger" attitude. Because in the course of being in community with others we see what about us needs to change.

I have decided that I can no longer rely on the every changing ideas of culture as an accurate source of guidance on what i should and should not do. It hasn't been working well for me. Cultural ideologies change too often and I need a foundation that will let me navigate what is worth my time and attention and what is not. 

In that vein, I have turned to the Bible for my source of wisdom. So I am beginning a new series I am calling Scriptural Gems. I have made the commitment to read the bible every day. I cannot know God and not know what the bible, his written word, says. He speaks to our hearts in every situation through the scriptures if we open ourselves to listen. Scriptural gems will be posts on how the scriptures are speaking to me. I am excited to share some of the insights I get. Understand this isn’t an in depth exegesis or analysis or study of scripture. It is simply my response to what a particular scripture says and how I feel about. I don’t claim that my feelings will always be right but that is the beauty of a relationship of Christ…we can grow!

Wholeheartedly me,

Julia

Better in 2012

One of my Facebook friends made a great observation. She said she was reading through her news feed and noticed how happy, excited, full of praise and gratitude everyone is today...New Year's Day!

It is like when the gray winter gives way to the fresh greenery of spring. Everyone is optimistic and welcomes positive change!


"BRAVE enough to be me" is going to change in 2012. A few couple of simple changes that I hope with make this a better publication and me a better BRAVER me!

1. I will post at least twice a week. That will be 8 new commentaries a month...get ready! :)
2. I will start a new series called "Scripture Gems". This series will be journal like entries on how bible scriptures are speaking to me and how what is like trying to apply the scriptural gems in my life.

I am excited and hope you continue with me on my journey in discovering the victories of and struggles of accepting myself.

Wholeheartedly me,

Julia

New Years Resolutions need something...

As we bring 2011 to a final close, most people are hopeful and excited about the possibilities the upcoming year will bring. We all at some level think about what we'll do differently. We ponder, even for a brief moment, our contribution to the world in the past year.


The hope of the new year can not be seen more clearly than at my part time job at Weight Watchers. I have been a receptionist for WW for almost a year. In 2010 I lost 25 lbs on the program and began working for them in Jan 2011.

This morning, as I was getting ready to work at WW, I realized that for the 2nd year in a row, I am not making a resolution to lose weight. I am at a healthy BMI and I don't need to lose. It is an exhilarating feeling to be able to say "I am not fat" and it be true!

When I got to work, I overheard a member in our meeting room talk about how ashamed she felt because she had "fallen off the wagon" and had a significant weight gain. She lamented about whether to come to the meeting because she knew she gained.

Her voice was cloaked in multiple layers of anger, shame, sadness, and despair. "It surprised me how quickly my old habits, came back when my circumstances threw me for a loop", she recapped.

As I leaned against the back wall of the room, tears came to my eyes. I remember felling the EXACT same way several times on my weight loss journey. There was a member in the room who lost 166lbs on WW and has kept it off 5 yrs and every Saturday she is faithfully at the meetings.

These women are the reason I work for hardly any money for the company; to help and be inspired by men and women like them. Often people look at me and assume because of my size I don't have an issue with weight. How wrong they are1 When I go to a meeting I know that everyone in that room is or has felt everything I every have about food, weight, and body image. 

I love my husband and he loves me but he has never had an improper relationship with food. He was an athlete most of his and has retained his thin frame up til now. There is a bond I share with the men and women in the meeting that is unlike anything else. I knew exactly how that lady felt and so did every single person in that room. She did a BRAVE thing by coming to the meeting to face her weight gain and to get back on track.

This is the power in accountability and support! Whenever you are trying to make a change, especially for the better, you need people who can cheer you on and tell you the truth. We lie to easily to ourselves. We let ourselves off the hook one time too many.

Our society doesn't like accountability. Let's be honest! We like to tell other they need to do but we mistakenly feel like we don't need someone telling us what to do. We don't want someone pointing out that we messed up or missed the mark. That is not healthy!

A lack of accountability is a breeding ground for lies, bondage, shame, and cover ups!

Accountability says, "I am going to ask you the tough questions about how you are really doing on that goal" and support says, "when you are struggling I will encourage you to keep going."

When I was a member trying to lose my weight, I HATED two things: getting on that scale each week and tracking what I ate. Those two things are the hallmark of the program. 

I hated it because it made me accountable...and to strangers no less. Ugh! I didn't want those people judging me based on some number on the scale and I didn't have to track everything I ate after all I am not completely out of control! That was an example of the ways we lie and justify why don't do what we are suppose to. I have to face the reality. The reality was my choices were determining my outcome and needed to make better choices. The truth is the scale, my tracker, my leader, and everyone else in that room was routing for me! They weren't against me. Accountability is our biggest cheer leader.

I don't say this to plug Weight Watchers this new year. I say this as an encouragement.

Whatever goals you are committing to do in 2012, I encourage you to include an accountability and support system. Take the time to prepare to make changes. Studies show that when you prepare for a change the change is more likely to stick and is more easily adapted into your routine.

I'll be posting soon about some changes I am making in 2012. Until then...


Wholeheartedly me,

Julia

Ode to "the girls"

You once looked up to the sun with a smile and fierceness.
You walked with your head held up.
It is didn't matter whether you sported an A or a Double D.
You knew who you were
But of late your countencance has been glum and sad.

Like a weeping willow tree you droop your head.
You seemed to have lost the luster you once had.
What happened?
A little one that needed your maternal goodness?
Perhaps the wisdom of your years have drained you
Maybe you met with ailment
Maybe you are perfectly fine but this imperfect world has warped your mind

Once perky and bright
Now frailer and light
Regardless of your apperance and why,
the work you do makes me thrive.
How you've nourished, how you've loved, and have been loved.

And I just had to write your this corny ode for my precious doves!

Christmas Follow Up

Christmas was four days off. What in the world were we going to have for Christmas dinner? Hmmm? Since we had turkey for Thanksgiving, maybe we could have ham. But wait! My husband doesn’t like ham. Hmmm. Maybe I can roast a chicken?!?!

Christmas comes around the same time every year and every year I am debating the same question. Then it hit me. I looked at my husband and said, “You know what I really want for Christmas dinner? I want my mom’s famous fried chicken.” His eyes lit up because he loves his mother in laws fried chicken too. My mom agreed to make it. My husband made his famous mashed potatoes. And I made a side of buttery broccoli. It was the best dinner!

Afterward my husband said “that was the best dinner. I am glad we didn’t try to be traditional for tradition sake."

This is just one example of how I learned to shape our holiday season around our family instead of trying to force our family into the preset “perfect” holiday.  Letting go of my expectations of finding a magical Christmas moment paved the way for a truly great time with my family. My oldest son and I made a ginger bread house. My husband read the story of Christmas tour kids in front of a glowing Christmas tree. My mom and I danced to the Motown Christmas CD while my sons and hubs looked at us like the sillies we were.

After my post on not letting wrong expectations ruin your christmas , I had a friend send me a long message about how she had struggled with unrealistic expectations. Her email poured forth how she was brave enough to let go of unrealistic expectations.

Her bravery surrounded her expectations as a 2^nd time mom. In summary, her first child, whom she loved dearly, was a fussy baby and she thought surely my second child won’t be that way. Well her second child was just as fussy if not more fussy than her first. She was embarrassed and wondering why she couldn’t have a kid who slept through the night or even didn’t cry for 20 out of the 24 hrs of the day.

She was brave enough to accept that it is foolishness to compare our experiences to others and by continuing to do so she would miss out on the sweet moments her second child brought her. I applaud her!

Unrealistic Expectations can RUIN your Christmas

There is nothing like watching a holiday movie to get you in the spirit of the holidays. Holiday movies appeal to us because they often have happy endings. The family is reunited in time for the big holiday dinner or the girl and boy discover they are right for each other afterall. These movies leaves us feeling as warm and comforted as the hot mugs of cocoa we drink while watching.


After all "its the most wonderful time of the year". At least it is suppose to be, right!?!? Don't worry! This post isn't going to be the metaphorical Scrooge to those of you who are enjoying your holiday season.

This post, like all of them, is about the lesson I learned while pretending to be happy during Christmas time. As a Christian, this is out biggest "witnessing" opportunity of the year. I believe in the biblical story of Christmas. While I don't know if Jesus was actually born in December, it doesn't matter to me. The savior of the world was born and that is why I celebrate Christmas. I am grateful for what his brith meant to my future and the future of mankind. So naturally this would be enough to bring me joy during the holidays. But alas...it wasn't. I can't tell you the guilt I felt being a Christian who was secretly sad on Christmas.

I learned the source of my sadness came from mismanaged expectations. Like the cheesy Christmas movies I loved to watch, I wanted just once in my year for all to be "be calm and bright"; to have that perfect Christmas. You know that one I'm talkin about. The one where snow blankets the lawn, cookies are homemade, and the family gets together and just gushes the love on each other.

My reality is that I rarely see my family during the holidays. In my adult life, I can count on two hands the number of Christmases I spent with my mother. It isn't that I have a strained relationship with my mom, not at all. She and I are very close. It's just circumstances have kept us apart. My friends don't host Christmas parties at their house. I don't work, so there is no office Christmas party to look forward too, or from what I've seen, NOT look forward to. I have never really had a Christmas traditions to look forward to.

So each time Christmas comes around, I hope, like the protagonist in my Christmas movies, that something magically or miraculous would happen this year. I anticipate that some joyous feeling would wash over me and instantly transplant me into the atmosphere of my Christmas movie.

I think...
"maybe this will be the year I can be with my extended family?"
" Maybe this year we'll play those board games."
"Maybe this year we'll bake cookies."
"Maybe this year we'll be invited to a friend's Christmas party.
"Maybe this year I can afford to buy all my friends presents.
"Maybe this year I will receive a gift that just blows my mind"
"Maybe this year I'll host a big christmas party and we can get all dressed up"
Every year, I had this list of how I wanted Christmas to go but it never went that way. And when Christmas finally did arrive, it was a let down. I mean come on....after all that build up...the sales...the lines...the shopping...the music...the plays....the christmas programs...and I got socks!

Unmet expectation can quickly turn into demands if they are consistent unmet.And unecessary demands will cause stress and yes even sadness. What started off as a simple wish; "wouldn't it be nice to bake cookies for the neighbors this year" can easily turn into "Gosh darn it, we are going to bake these dang cookies and be happy about it. Now shut up and stir!"


The BRAVE lesson was that I had to manage and reframe my expectations of this ONE day of the year.

Manage
Our family rarely gets together during the holidays so this year, I'll make Skype dates so I can see those I care about. I don't have to go into dept trying to prove to my family and friends how much they mean to me. I can reflect on the ways I have proven it thus far, and then think of new ways to prove it next year. I love hand written letters, nothing like a heartfelt note to say I love you.

Reframe
Instead of wanting Christmas to fit into a premade mold, I'll  look to mold myself into Christmas. I'll examine what is really important for me and my family and we'll wrap ourselves around that. Once I remake the mold, Christmas can be a stress free joyous occasion for us each year.

This year my mom will be with us for Christmas. YAY! We might spend our days in our pjs. We might not make a big hoiday meal. We might not get or give the best presents. But we'll mold this time of year to fit us, not the other way around. This might be the first time in a long time I will really genuinely enjoy this season. I hope you do too!

Wholeheartedly me,

Julia

Addicted to Self (Pt 2)

I know I've been quiet lately. I have been really searching these past few weeks.
I have been on this tug of war journey and couldn't figure out how to write about it. It began with the realization that I am addicted to self. I mean...REALLY addicted.  It is amazing some of the stuff that comes to the surface when you are up against a wall or thrown off your normal comfortable routine. Habits you thought were long gone suddenly become enticing again. Actions you know aren't productive are justified and then executed. November was a doozy!

I knew that this post series wouldn't warrant the same popularity as my other posts. That is OK. I asked how we could break free from self-addiction and I didn't get many responses. Thank you to the two people who attempted to help me sort this through. I agree that developing a deeper sense of who you are and accepting that we don't really have a right to a lot of the things we think we deserve. That is a great insight.

One reason for MY addiction, I discovered, is fear. Specifically, the fear that if I don't look out for myself, no one else will.

Thinking about some of the social systems of America. We can see this same fear, "if I don't look out for me, no one else will", plays out everywhere. At the core, unions exists from fear that their employers won't look out for their best interests. The law exists to keep us from infractioning others. Lawyers and judges exist to litigate and judge once some one violates another. We elect our public officials based on the fear that the "other guys" won't look out for my interest. We put money in retirement accounts and Social Security because we need to know that somebody will look out for us. There are plenty of other examples if we take the time to look at them.

It is natural to think if "you won't look out for me, them I'll have to". In some cases this idea makes sense and seems wise. But the issue with this line of thought is that it makes one gigantic assumption. It assumes that I, in my finite mental and physical capacity, am equipped to know, perceive, and exact what is best for me.

If I am honest with myself, I don't know what is the best for me sometimes. It reminds me a conversation I had with my husband early in our marriage. Like the good husband he is, he was trying to understand what I meant when I'd say, "I don't need you to fix this, I just need your support." So he'd spend lots of time and energy trying to show me support. After several tries attempts, with and without success, he asked me what support looks like. It made sense for him to ask this because I should know what I meant, right? Wrong! I had to admit that in many cases I wasn't sure what support looked like from him because each scenario was different. Sometimes support looked like him listening to me with undivided focus. Other times, it looked liked him diving into the issue with me to help me find a solution.

My point is this: Even in circumstance where I should have been the authority on what was best for me, I couldn't rise to the challenge. Even though I was asking for what I needed, I was incapable of describing what would be best in those times.
This is the reason I turn the scripture and rely on God. A lot of people take issue with my faith. They think religion is a crutch I use because I am not strong enough to rely on reason. Normally that would get me all riled up inside. I would think "I'll show them".  After all, I have to look out for myself, and protect my reputation. I can't go around letting people think of me as weak and foolish. I have an image to uphold.

But then I turn to the scriptures that says that the reason and rationales of man sees the things of God as foolishness. And that God tried to use human wisdom but it was rejected. (1 Corinthians 1). So He uses what seems foolish, unlikely, or even unappealing. Until I learned what God said about this, I would walk around dejected. Now I realize that those types of criticism aren't new and are even used by God to further His cause. What relief!

Answering why am I addicted to self, isn't the BRAVE lesson in all this. The lesson is that the only way I can break free from being obsessed with self is by reading the scriptures and aligning my actions and thoughts to match it.

More to come about my rediscovery of God's word...until then,

Wholeheartedly me,

Julia