The Incident

I have been a big promoter of stepping out and trying new things. But what happens when you try new things and they blow up in your face? How do you recover from that?

Many years ago friend of mine had a cousin who was in a coma as a result of an accident. He was on life support and doctors weren’t optimistic of his recovery. My friend was praying for her cousin, as usual when one day she heard God say that her cousin was going to live and go to tell the family. Naturally my friend got really excited and she told the rest of her family to keep the faith and be diligent because her cousin was going to live. But he died. His death was devastating for my friend. She never really got over it because she felt ashamed and foolish for believing God and it didn’t come to pass.

The friend in my story was me.  I stepped out on what I believed was faith and felt utterly humiliated. I never spoke about “the incident” again because I didn’t want to relive the feelings of hurt, embarrassment, and anger that are as fresh as if they happened yesterday, not over a decade ago.

I didn’t doubt then nor do I doubt now that I heard from God. But what I heard and what happened didn’t sync.

Recently, I was talking to my husband about those times when we are believing God for something in earnest and it doesn’t happen. How do you reconcile that in your mind? How do you have faith to trust and believe for the next thing?

Well my latest “next thing” is here and I am struggling. I was talking to God about a desire I have. I want something specific for my business and to me it is a big deal. Yet I hesitate to ask God because  of the residue from “the incident”. In a BRAVE moment, when there was quiet and I was willing, I brought it up. Yes I talk to God out loud sometimes. Conversation went something like this:

“Ok, God, you seem to want to address this issue. I felt disappointed by the outcome of “the incident”. I honestly believe I heard you and was obedient in telling my family that he was going to live and not die. But he died! Some might accuse me of not hearing from you. Some might accuse me of having some secret sin in my life which could have caused it not to happen. There are lots of reasons but the bottom line is when a person publically proclaims something from You and it doesn’t happen for private reasons…that person looks like an idiot! And I don’t like that.”

I wish I could say God answered me back as plainly as I spoke to him. But He didn’t. The oddest thing happened though. For the first time since “the incident” I was able to fully recount the whole story without feeling the familiar twins of embarrassment and anger. By remembering the events without the pain associated with them, I was able to allow my wounds to begin to heal. In the healing process, you can see things you never saw before. I discovered I was taking responsibility for something I shouldn’t have. I was in my teens when “the incident” happened and legally the decisions that were made about my cousin’s care or treatment were not within my control. What was in my control was my mouth. I was told to spread the hope that my cousin would live. I did that.

The BRAVE lesson God allowed me to see was that in a culture where we are so focused on RESULTS, it is hard to be satisfied with simply being faithful to do your part...especially when that part is small.

I wanted the results! I wanted the headline: "Teen miraculously survives near fatal accident". But it wasn't until I let go of the "results" and accepted that I did my part that I could even talk about it...let alone blog about it. I can't honestly say I understand what God was doing, did, is doing with regard to "the incident" but I can say, I am on my way to healing from it.

Wholeheartedly me,

Julia